Help for Email Cowards: Face Your Fear

Email cowards are not afraid of email; they're afraid of facing people.

Surely you know the type -- the people who are too lazy or scared to tell you something to your face, so they email what is probably intended as constructive criticism, and end up alienating themselves and creating an unproductive stream of more messages explaining "what I really meant to say." Don't do it!

The problem is, the more you hide behind email, the harder it is to face people. And because these scaredy cats are forgetting how to disagree with people without being disagreeable, they take refuge ever more often behind your computer screen. It's not a pretty picture, but it is a pretty common one.

That tendency, is great news for us "communication experts" who come to companies to help them retrain (remind) their employees how to talk to someone face to face. One strategy is to introduce "Email Free Fridays" where employees are encouraged (strongly) to talk to people either on the phone or in person, rather than emailing information.

Now that business is slow for many companies, it's a great time to build up relationships for the future and email is NOT a tool for this task. Call someone to have lunch, or maybe just a coffee or tea.

And, as a refresher for you to send to those who need it, this is the formula for effective criticism:

1. Show sincere appreciation for this person.

2. Explain what needs to change and why, the actions and the consequences.

3. Show sincere appreciation for this person.

It's quick and a lot less painful than exacerbating yet another email drama. If you've got something a bit negative to relate to someone, pick up the phone, or walk to their office next door and tell them. Nicely.

Caring Leadership for Real People

Dwayne J. Clark is the CEO of a company, Aegis Living, that manages assisted living and other facilities for senior citizens, with annual revenues of around $180 million. He has a fascinating approach to dealing with the relationships between management and front line employees - most of whom earn $11 hour caring for the elderly.

It started with an intention. According to this article about him in the November Inc. magazine, when he started the company with a partner in 1997, he pledged to improve employees' lives. Wow, caring about the people who work for you, that's an idea!

Clark credits inspiration from Oprah's ability connect emotionally to her viewers and bring them help via access to leading experts in different fields. Here are the things his company does to build really a sense of community at his company:

1. He brings speakers like Deepak Chopra, Jack Canfield, Wayne Dyer, Christopher Gardner and Linda Biehl to management's annual meetings. These meetings are focused on "the human spirit and personal improvement" (49), rather than sales, profitability, and the state of national healthcare. The theme of the 2007 meeting was "Overcoming Extreme Adversity."

Before heading home, managers submit plans to Clark that spell out their strategies to share what they have learned with their staffs.

2. The company negotiates with the suppliers to get them to provide employee benefits. Examples of these benefits include free checking accounts and discounts on groceries. Suppliers also help fund these top speakers at the annual meetings, and in exchange send their own people to attend parts of the meetings.

These practices, stemming from Clark's intention to serve his employees, have lead to a more positive and caring corporate culture that benefits monetarily from a much-lower-than-average turnover rate: 25 to 43 percent, rather than the industry average of 70 percent.

One last point: with all the emotional support and personal development the company offers, sometimes employees get inspired to start their own companies. And they do so with Clark's blessing. In his words, "Then, I have accomplished what I set out to do, getting people to pursue their dreams" (50).

The lesson is profitability is not the opposite of caring for the human spirit of your employees. Happier employees mean happier customers, and if you get enough other things right, higher profits.

Our Thanksgiving Project

We got lucky -- we're invited to share Thanksgiving with friends. And for that invitation, we are exceedingly thankful. To commemorate this day, this year, we've made a poster that reads:

The Mixon-Rodriguez Thanksgiving 100

The four of us will fill up the list with 100 things for which we're grateful.

All happiness starts with an attitude of gratitude. I think Thanksgiving Day is one contribution our country has made to the world, that all Americans can be proud of. It you think about it, having a national holiday to give thanks is a revolutionary idea.

Among countless blessings, Mixonian is grateful for all her readers and visitors and wishes you all warmth and wonder.

Why Gratitude Makes You Happy and Wealthy

By Christine Kane

Gratitude is more than being thankful one day a year. Gratitude is a practice. For some, it's a way of life.

Why do some people swear by this practice? Why do these people seem to live happier and more abundant lives than everyone else?

Because gratitude is about presence.

It's about waking up in this moment and being here - really being here - and noticing what's around you. Most people are so busy thinking about the next thing, or about their horrid past, that they don't wake up and look around at their present moment - the only moment there is.

Because gratitude is about honoring your life.

Do you ever compare your life with someone else's? Do you ever wish your life were better and more like [Insert Famous Person's Name]? Sometimes we can lose ourselves in wondering how we "measure up" to some standard set by our families or by the media. Comparison is the mind killer. And the antidote is gratitude.

Gratitude requires you to validate your own life. (And you really don't have any other life, do you?) It forces you to say YES to the gift that is you. The choices you've made and the changes you've gone through - they have brought you here. Even if here is a place that needs a little adjustment, that's okay. There are always gifts in any present moment.

Because gratitude is about attracting.

It's difficult to attract abundance and joy if you are constantly saying "no" to what IS. You say no each time you focus on the future or past, or when you criticize something that is in your present moment.

Attraction is about saying Yes. When you say Yes, you shift.

Gratitude says, "Yes, I love this!" And then more of this is attracted, because the this is what you're focusing on.

Because gratitude is about choice.

How you translate any situation is the situation. What you choose to see is the truth (for you).

This isn't proposing that you live in denial or phoniness. It's reminding you that your translation of any life situation is your own choice. We've all heard stories of people who have ignored others' translations of their talent, their projects, their art, their looks, their lives. These people chose their own translations and succeeded. You always have a choice when it comes to how you look at things. Choose to choose gratitude.

Because gratitude is about wisdom.

I think people believe they're being smart if they criticize, complain, and focus on the problems of the world around them.

Smart? Maybe.

Clever? Sure.

But not wise.

It is wise to look for and find the knowing place in your heart. It is wise to choose joy. It is wise to honor your riches. It is wise to focus on and grow the blessings of your life.

Because gratitude is about recognition.

Use your power of focus to hone in on beauty and on what makes your heart sing. Recognize the spirit in your life. It's all around you waiting to be noticed. In the words of Franz Kafka, "It will roll in ecstasy at your feet."

Because gratitude is about receptivity.

Gratitude makes you receptive. It makes you concave. It makes you a vessel, waiting to be filled.

I carry a tiny notebook with me everywhere I go. In it, I write down song ideas. I write down quotes I hear. I write down ideas for stage stories. As I do that, I become more receptive, and more ideas and songs come to me. It's a tool that says to my subconscious, "Send more my way!" And the subconscious always responds.

Gratitude is the same way. It says, "I am receptive! Send more!" And more arrives.

Because gratitude is about creativity.

Creativity is really all about attention. (So is genius.)

When I write a song, I build a relationship with that song. I spend time with it. I get to know it. I pay attention to it. Artists do the same thing with drawings. They spend time in rapt attention and the drawing is born.

Gratitude is how we Live Creative. It is a creative act to notice and pay attention to the moments of your life. Some days it's an enormous act of creativity to find things for which to be thankful.

Start today.

And have a Thanksgiving of presence, creativity, and gratitude!

---

Performer, songwriter, and creativity consultant Christine Kane publishes her 'LiveCreative' weekly ezine with more than 4,000 subscribers. If you want to be the artist of your life and create authentic and lasting success, you can sign up for a FRE*E subscription to LiveCreative at www.christinekane.com.

Etiquette and San Diego

I just got back from making my presentation to the political communication subset of the National Communication Association Convention in San Diego. It was a small, international and enthusiastic group. Thank you all for your prayers and positive thoughts -- the presentation was a success.

In case anyone's interested, the title was something like, "Hugo Chavez and the Bolivarian Revolution: A Cultural Critique." It was suggested that I have my post-dissertation book published in Europe rather than in the U.S., which should provide a wonderful opportunity to get back to the Old Country for a visit.

While en route, I pulled out a relatively recent Vogue magazine (October, 2008), to get in the right frame of mind for an academic presentation (insert laugh track). Well, I found some interesting advice on modern manners, in an article by William Norwich. It's about asking for favors and declining favors.

About asking for favors:

First of all, you don't begin by saying, "I need such and such." For example, if you need to borrow $10,000 from your cousin, you start off by saying, "It is perfectly all right to say 'no,' and if you can't, I would love to know what you think I should do."

This way you extend the opportunity for someone to help you, but without so much pressure.

Now, about declining favors, Norwich makes an excellent observation:

...when you are asked for help, saying "yes" but harboring any resentment, isn't granting a favor -- it is a prison sentence.

Some of you may want to reread that part.

He continues to make these other highly relevant points about declining extra commitments:

1. You have no obligation to explain or justify or provide evidence for your not accepting what's being asked.

2. He offers this incredibly graceful way out, I think we should all practice this in front of the mirror, "I am sorry to say 'no,' but let's think who else might you ask."

This way you offer support and keep the conversation moving, but away from committing yourself.

3. Alternate explanation: I'd love to lend you [fill in the blank], but I simply can't for insurance reasons. Isn't that a bore? (182)

I'm not sure if #3 will get me out of the bake sale, but it's worth a try.

How to Make the Right Decision

As someone who loves to agonize over making certain choices, I'm reproducing sage advice from Chellie Campbell. The truth is, many times you cannot know what is the best next step is to achieve your goal. You just have to try something. The following advice comes from her book, The Wealthy Spirit:

Pick anything. Make a list of possibilities that interest you and just pick one. Then go for it. You might not write a book today, but you can write a page. You might not be ready to sail around the world, but you can take a sailing lesson. Dream of stardom? Audition for the local community theater. Take a step in a new direction. You don't have to make the right choice, just make a new choice. Get in the habit of choosing your life.

Not choosing is a choice to choose what you've already chosen (151).

By the time you read this, I'll be at the National Communication Association Convention, getting ready to talk about a paper I wrote on Hugo Chavez. I wrote the paper three years ago, and it ended up shaping the dissertation that I'm writing now. I didn't know it at the time, but the choice to write this paper for my rhetoric class set me in motion to write this dissertation on the same subject, using essentially the same theoretical structure. Next, the book, and then maybe a blockbuster movie.....

What's Really Annoying

I think one of the most annoying things to deal with is having your kids spout back everything you've told them when you're not in the mood for positive thinking.

It's a trap. You see, what's easy to see is that other people need to lighten up. But, if I'm having an ogress moment or two, it's for a good reason.

First of all, there are certain people who can trigger the inner ogre or ogress. It most cases, it's someone very close to you, say, someone you were even married to. While all is forgotten and forgiven, those triggers are still out there, sparking negativity. Be aware.

Second, it can be a delicious feeling when the "bad guy" offends you. You can feel all sorts of validation and self-justification. It feels so good, you don't want to let go, even if you're really only hurting yourself. A nationally-known marriage counselor told me that people can love that feeling so much, they prefer that to repairing their own marriage. I didn't get it at the time he told me, now it makes sense.

Third, then there are the "evil" companies out there that randomly wreck your life, say, by changing your airline reservations at the last minute to a new schedule you do not like. At all. That opens the opportunity to enjoy feeling oppressed by greedy capitalistic monsters. But it doesn't change your flight schedule.

Finally, the icing on the cake: you're grumbling about these obviously unfair things that are happening to you, and your children have the nerve to tell you to find the good side of things.

Offspring: Gee, Mom, now you're a real business woman, travelling to San Diego.

Mom (GRUMBLING): Yeah, but real business women don't have to pay their own way and fly all night in a crowded plane, for cryin' out loud.

Offspring: It'll be a great adventure for you. You'll have fun.

Mom (GRUMBLING): I probably won't even eat while I'm there.

Offspring: Great! You'll lose weight!

So, what's good for the readers is good for Mixonian. Back to you on Tuesday.

P.S. I added a new blogfriend today, "I will teach you how to be rich." Ramit is a financial expert and I know Mixonian readers are into wealth building. Enjoy.