When Your're Not Being Appreciated

Feeling unappreciated is something I struggled with for many many years. A really long time. I even asked a priest for help with this inner conflict in a confession.

The priest said it was perfectly normal to want people to show appreciation for your contribution. But he didn't know how to "make" people appreciate you.

Like you, I love helping people, serving. I'm not sure if you're like this, but after a while I was usually feeling that no matter what I did for others, it was never enough. This would inevitably make me angry, but then I'd feel bad for being angry.

The cycle would usually end with an ugly emotional outburst. I would be reminded that I was "overreacting." After blowing up at something, I would calm down, and the cycle would begin again.

I finally got the answer to this. It took me a while.

People will never appreciate you for what you really do for them. They will never get how hard you tried, how big your sacrifice was, how much effort you put into the task. Never.

Here's the deal.

It's a matter of asking a different question. It's a matter of making sure you appreciate yourself and your contribution.

Aspects of appreciation:

- Appreciate your body by feeding it well, getting rest and exercise.

- Appreciate your mind by feeding it quality material.

- Appreciate your creativity by providing an outlet for it to manifest.

- Appreciate your soul with prayer and meditation.

- Appreciate your spirit by doing what it takes to be cheerful.

If you don't truly appreciate yourself, your special existence, then it's not realistic to expect others to appreciate you.

A wise reader, Sally, sent this response: I don't do anything hoping someone else will appreciate the action. I do everything hoping I will appreciate the action.

Upgrade Your Apreciator Factor

Mother Teresa was noted for saying that people have a much greater hunger for love and appreciation than for bread. And that's with over half the world's population living on less than $2.00 a day.

Countless studies show that employees thrive when they feel appreciated at work. That means higher productivity and lower turn-over. And showing appreciation is mostly free.

Lucky for me, my new boss is a good appreciator. He called to check in on my move several times during the past two crazy weeks. (And for part of that time he was on vacation!) When I showed up at my office a few days ago, there was a nice box of office supplies waiting for me. Of course they're there so I can WORK better, but I didn't have to ask someone or go get them myself.

The thing about showing appreciation is that not all gestures are equal in value.

Hand-written notes always trump emails, even if the note is shorter.

Specific comments are better than the generalized "Great job, Helga!"

Specific praise for someone in front of others is better than private praise.

If you praise someone for every step she takes, like they do with stickers and young children sometimes, you inflate the compliment and it loses value.

If you're good at showing appreciation, it's easier for those around you to receive your valuable suggestions for improvement. People are more likely to listen more closely to what you say.

Best of all, showing and feeling appreciation makes you feel better automatically.

I appreciate your reading Mixonian. ;-)

The Sure Way to Appreciate Your Assets

At our house, we awoke to the beautiful sound of rain falling. That's really a magical way to start the day, even if it does mean traffic may be a bit more challenging than usual.

The word "entrepreneur," as you know from its tricky spelling, comes from French. It originally meant to transform something of lower value into something of higher value. Like fixing up an old home, restoring an old desk, or learning a new skill.

That's the really exciting part of life - to appreciate people, things, and situations with a fresh perspective. That's what investors do. Investors either look at an existing company, or a person's business plan, and determine whether they can appreciate its value.

To appreciate is to see the value in. You can appreciate what is, and you can appreciate what can be. Both are habits and require an intent to appreciate.

That's what teachers do. We appreciate our students. Not that they always appreciate our appreciation. ;-)

The opposite of appreciation is taking for granted. I know you hate when others take you for granted. Feeling unappreciated hurts at a deep level; but then again, appreciation starts with yourself. The way you allow others to treat you reveals your own level of self-appreciation.

Recently I had a bad experience at a doctor's office. After 2 hours of getting no service, I went to another doctor's office and got my problem resolved immediately. But, I had to pay extra at the second doctor's office, whereas the visit to the first doctor was included in the price of the treatment I had already paid for. But I value my life and my time enough to spend an extra $31 to solve a problem.

Later, I took the trouble to express my dis-satisfaction with the first doctor. They were appropriately apologetic.

Look with investor-eyes at your day today. See what you can appreciate.

3 Keys to Have Tons of Friends and Admirers

Well, I started to title this post, "The Key to Excellent Interpersonal Relationships" because "interpersonal" is a highly popular PhD word for those of us who study communication. But, then I remembered that most people find PhD types obnoxious.

This is sage advice from my grandmother, who is nothing short of charismatic. Everyone, and I mean everyone, loves my grandmother. She also learned from mogulettes like Mary Crowley, founder of Home Interiors, and Mary Kay Ash, founder of the eponymous cosmetics company.

She says that she was so shy when she was young that she would hide whenever guests came to visit their home. But, she realized soon enough that you got to get out of your shell!

In case you didn't know, eponymous means: it has the same name as....it's a cool word. Like "Calvin Klein, president of the eponymous design firm."

Here is incredible advice from a remarkable woman:

1. Find ways to compliment people. It can be someone at the grocery store you've never seen before. It can be someone you don't care for. Show sincere appreciation for something, and you will be appreciated yourself. This is most definitely not the same as sucking up.

People want to be appreciated more than they want money or comfort.

2. Pretend everyone is wearing an invisible sign that says Please make me feel important.

This is even more true for people who act like they already feel important. It's an innate human desire to feel some degree of significance.

3. Ask questions. This advice works on multiple levels, and "working on multiple levels" is something that communication scholars love to talk about. In fact, if you ever want to impress an academic, just say, I can see how that works on multiple levels. Wow.

Asking questions means getting conversation going. You get the other person to talk so you don't have to figure out what to say.

Asking questions means you might learn something unexpectedly helpful, or even lucrative. You never know.

Asking questions means you get involved with the other person, and before you know it, you have another friend, and maybe even an admirer to boot!

Addressing the Thank You Scarcity

I would maintain that thanks are the highest form of thought; and that gratitude is happiness doubled by wonder. ~G.K. Chesterton

Did you know that people who show appreciation for what they have and to other people, are both healthier and happier? Well, guess what? These people are also better at business.

The latest copy of Fast Company arrived today and in the monthly article by brothers Dan Heath and Chip Heath, authors of the best-seller Made to Stick, they talk about gratitude in the corporate context. Their thesis question is, "Why do companies make it so hard for us to say thank you?"

Listen to this. The Heath brothers cite a survey of 10,000 employees from the 1,000 largest U.S. companies in which 40% of workers gave "lack of recognition" as a key reason for leaving a job.

Then the authors refer to research in which expressing gratitude has been proven to be a top happiness-enhancer. Connect the dots and you get customers who thank employees, thus making both parties happier in the process. Even Dilbert's boss would like this one.

American Airlines is working on it. They've created a program called Applause in which they give select frequent fliers pre-printed cards expressing appreciation. Then it's up to these customers to deliver an "applause" card to employees who offer exemplary service. United Airlines has a similar program.

Kelmar Safety has a different program with the same objective. Truck drivers hear phoned-in comments about their driving from the 800- How's My Driving phone number. Now, mostly these comments are not complimentary, but 18% are.

Think about how you letting your colleagues, customers, and maybe even a boss let you know you appreciate them. It's free and an unquestionable win-win success strategy.

Practice Uncommon Appreciation

by Jack Canfield

A recent management study revealed that 46% of employees leaving a company do so because they feel unappreciated; 61% said their bosses don't place much importance on them as people; and 88% said they don't receive acknowledgement for the work they do.

Whether you are an entrepreneur, manager, teacher, parent, coach or simply a friend, if you want to be successful with other people, you must master the art of appreciation.

I've never known anyone to complain about receiving too much positive feedback. Have you? In fact, just the opposite is true.

Keeping Score

When I first learned about the power of appreciation, it made total sense to me. However, it was still something that I forgot to do. I hadn't yet turned it into a habit.

A valuable technique that I employed to help me lock in this new habit was to carry a 3" x 5" card in my pocket all day, and every time I acknowledged and appreciated someone, I would place a check mark on the card. I would not allow myself to go to bed until I had appreciated 10 people. If it was late in the evening and I didn't have 10 check marks, I would appreciate my wife and children, I would send an e-mails to several of my friends, or I would write a letter to my mother or stepfather.

I did whatever it took until it became an unconscious habit. I did this every single day for 6 months--until I no longer needed the card to remind me.

Who Cares?

If asked, could you name the five wealthiest people in the world, or five people who have won the Nobel Prize, or the last five Academy Award winners for best actor and actress?

The point is none of us remembers the headliners of yesterday. These are no second-rate achievers either; they are the best in their fields.

But if I asked you to list five teachers or mentors who believed in and encouraged you, five friends who have helped you through a difficult time, five people who have taught you something worthwhile, or five people who have made you feel appreciated and special - that's much easier to do, isn't it?

That's because the people who make a difference in your life aren't the ones with the most credentials, the most money, or the most awards. They're the ones who care.
If you want to be remembered for being important to someone else's life, make them feel appreciated.

Appreciation as a Secret of Success

Another important reason for being in a state of appreciation as often as possible is that when you are in such a state, you are in one of the highest emotional states possible.

When you are in a state of appreciation and gratitude, you are in a state of abundance. You are appreciating what you do instead of focusing on, and complaining about, what you don't have. Your focus is on what you have received... and you always get more of what you focus on. And because the law of attraction states that like attracts like, the more you are in a state of gratitude, the more you will attract to be grateful for. It becomes an upward-spiraling process of ever-increasing abundance that just keeps getting better and better.

Think about it. The more grateful people are for the gifts we give them, the more inclined we are to give them more gifts. Their gratitude and appreciation reinforces our giving. The same principle holds true on a universal and spiritual level as it does on an interpersonal level.

I challenge you to discover ways to immediately appreciate someone in your life, starting today!

For more on this topic, read Chapter 53 in The Success Principles. It will give you great suggestions and ideas on how you, too, can find ways to appreciate those in your life.
© 2008 Jack Canfield

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Jack Canfield, America's #1 Success Coach, is founder of the billion-dollar book brand Chicken Soup for the Soul and a leading authority on Peak Performance and Life Success. If you're ready to jump-start your life, make more money, and have more fun and joy in all that you do, get your FREE success tips from Jack Canfield now at: www.FreeSuccessStrategies.com

12 Things to Enjoy This Week-end

A happy life happens when you take time to notice and appreciate the good things all around you. Remember the word "appreciate" has two meanings: What you appreciate, appreciates!

12 Free or Mostly-Free Things to Appreciate Now:

1. If you live in the Southeast, enjoy the rain.

2. We're having cooler, but delightful temperatures.

3. You can get a pretty tasty wine at the grocery store for under $10.

4. Sarah Palin.

5. Stock prices are still down, making bargain hunting easier.

6. The price of gasoline is around 10% less than what it was about a month ago.

7. Football fans have their game to watch. The rest of us can watch them and wonder.

8. The days are still long enough to get in an evening walk before dark.

9. Purple is "the" fashion color, even for non-ECU fans. You probably have something purple in your closet.

10. Opaque black tights are in this fall; they're cheap, warm, and enhance all legs.

11. Fresh tomatoes are still available.

12. Blogs are free. ;-)

What are you appreciating this week-end? Enjoy.