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5 Ways to Inspire Fear...of You

If you take a close look at what seems like crazy behavior at times, you can usually find fear lurking in the shadows of the situations. Fear of looking stupid, fear of going broke, losing a job, losing a marriage, and so forth. In fact, studies show that fear of loss is a far stronger motivator than the desire to move forward.

Sometimes our actions and/or attitudes actually inspire fear in other people...you may not even realize that you are causing other people to shake in their boots. If you suspect you're sliding down a slippery slope down to where you don't want to go, there is a solution. Inhale deeply and slowly. Exhale. Repeat five times....or until you feel better.

Here are sure-fire ways we (inadvertently) instill fear of ourselves in others:

1. Shut down all communication if somebody says something "wrong." The effect is even more powerful if you grit your teeth. Simply state, "I have nothing further to say," and turn your back on the person. S/he will know not to speak to you in the future, which is obviously what you want.

You know this isn't what you want. Inhale slowly. Exhale. Tell yourself, there is more to this than I am seeing at this moment.

2. Interrogate the other. See if you can prove that you are right and the other is a moron, or at least misguided, by asking enough probing questions. the trick is to really put the other person on the defensive; that way her brain will probably shut down.

Actually, we don't always realize that our "honest questions" sound like a military interrogation. Inhale slowly. Exhale. Tell yourself, there is more to this situation than I am seeing at this moment.

3. Accuse, criticize, and insinuate. Try to imagine the worst possible motivation in the other person, and them accuse him of....using you, stomping on your feelings, abusing the relationship. Really the possibilities are endless. If that gets too time-consuming, you can always find things to criticize, either explicitly or implicitly.

It's actually better to imagine that there is a viable interpretation of events that you're not seeing right now. Inhale slowly. Exhale. Tell yourself, there is more to this than I am seeing at this moment.

4. Blame others. This is another guaranteed way to show your superiority. You can blame the other for whatever is ailing you, probably catching the other off guard, and in any case possibly making the other feel guilty and/or weak.

Don't be a victim. Have a brief pity-party and get on with a good life.

5. Complain. This is the general-purpose people repulser. You don't need to complain about any specific thing. You can either complain about other people, or situations. This policy brings down every one's energy level, and will probably enable you to achieve your goal of self-alienation.

Complaining only makes a situation worse. If there is truly something wrong, calmly bring the problem to the attention to the person who can fix it.

It's way too easy to quash attempts to build relationships and avoid effective communication. Repressing your anger is not the answer either, at least in some cases. If you're feeling stressed out and prone to negative reactions, take a time out and get your head on straight, once again.

E-mail or Voice Mail?

A lot of misunderstandings happen because people unwittingly choose the wrong medium for their message. While we all know ending a relationship, whether at work or otherwise, by text message is cowardly, in other cases we're not sure if we should call or email.

The first thing to always keep in mind is that everyone is busy and distracted. That's why you usually choose the easiest medium for your message, even though it may not be the best.

Here is a list of things people tend not to remember when they hear them:

- Names

- Numbers

- Details

- Dates

- Sequences

And....because these things tend to slip in people's memories, they (we) also tend to fill in the blanks with what we think we remember, or what makes sense in our minds, regardless what was actually said.

So, if details are important to your message, use email. If emotional content is more important, like showing appreciation, it may be better to call the person.

If you need to leave a voice mail for some reason AND you want the other person to remember details, like your phone number, repeat it in the message and give the other person time to grab a pen to write it down.

Think about what you want the other person to remember from your message. Choose your medium accordingly.

Power in Communication

I'm reading Power and Communication by Louisiana State University's Andrew King as part of my research on Hugo Chavez. I just found some research about how power is communicated in everyday interactions. In this particular area of power, King refers to earlier published research by Martin Remland.

In a given situation, the more powerful people are:

- more relaxed than their subordinates.
- less attentive to the others' communication.
- less vulnerable to space invasion.
- more expansive.
- more in control of floor space.
- less frequently interrupted.
- take more turns in conversation.
- talk more of the time.
- are touched less often.

"In summary, the measure of speaker power is the degree of control over the entire interactive process" (17).

Something to think about as you go through your day. Maybe you need to speak up.