How Your Fear Perpetuates What You Fear

Say, what?

Fears and anxieties usually affect us in a cyclical ways; that means our fears can cause us to do things that reinforce our fears. It can be tough, but certainly it is possible, to break out of these vicious cycles.

It is so important to realize that our self talk about a situation is far more important than the situation itself. You can purposely use self talk to create a positive perception which in effect shrinks the negative reaction you're used to. This PhD word for this process is “cognitive restructuring.”

For example, many people fear public speaking so much that they avoid certain jobs or even careers that may involve public speaking. This selection turns out to be avoidance of the problem – which does NOT make it go away.

The best way to overcome the fear of public speaking, or any fear in your life, is to confront it. Yikes. That is best to do in baby steps. You could practice making a presentation in front of a group of friends to build your confidence.

To work at a deeper level, I strongly recommend identifying fears that may be lurking under the radar screen of your conscious mind. These fears sabotage you when you avoid facing them. Sometimes, in some of my clients, the hardest part is even admitting that one even has fears.

In my personal case, my fear of poverty caused me to panic when I felt my income threatened, or when business was down. I would then react to this horrible feeling by frantically applying for any job I thought I could get, even though I was ridiculously overqualified for it.

Most of the time I would get rejected, employers are not that stupid and they knew that as soon as my panic ended I would stop working at a place that was so obviously unsuited to my background. That rejection would in turn reinforce my panic. Or conversely, I would accept a low-paying job, feel bad, and fall short of earning the income I was capable of making. Fear of poverty gets even stronger.

It took working with a coach to help me recognize this negative pattern in my life – to see my part in what I used to think was “just the way the world was.” What was most amazing was seeing how the simple awareness of a negative pattern in my life - perpetuated by ME - would begin to dissipate as soon as I saw it.

If you dare to admit it, you may be allowing fear to trip you up unnecessarily.

Getting Over Your Fear of Public Speaking

You've probably heard that more people fear public speaking than they do death. Curious, don't you think?

Part of growing up usually means not being afraid of anything...especially if you go to college. We're far too rational to be afraid of public speaking, of getting married, of having children, or starting a business. The result is we are incredibly talented at developing excuses to disguise (sort of) our fears.

I've come to realize that as long as we don't recognize our fears, they sabotage us at every turn. Conversely, merely recognizing that we have "irrational" fears, and naming them, is the first step to weakening their influence over us.

BTW, this works with other fears, too. It's just that communication in my thang.

So, the next time you feel anxious, worried, unduly concerned, tight stomach, icky, or in any way not relaxed, see if you can identify an irrational fear that's lurking in your mind. It's totally normal; it's also holding you back.

Don't try to convince yourself that being fearful is stupid, you only want to excavate exactly what it is that you dread, what you think may happen to you. Bringing up stuff from your unconciousness is not difficult, just a bit tricky. That's why the good therapists get paid big bucks.

Remember that your goal is to always feel relaxed. That's when you're at your best. Simply notice if you're not at ease, and play the detective to get at what's bothering you.

A Little Story About A Troll Named "Fear"

Let me confess something.

I don't really like talking, much less writing, about fear. You could say I'm fearful of it. ;-)

But lately I've realized how fear does its damage to a much greater degree when we try to pretend it's not there instead of dealing with it. It's not that the fear always goes away completely, but you can manage it so that the troll shrinks in size and his power is weakened.

This post is not about today's fear, it's about the fear that makes us settle for far less joy, over the course of a lifetime. I think it's the same fear, though.

Let's pretend that you have this extreme fear of sickness. 

Step 1. Little Johnnie has the sniffles.

Step 2. You see yourself and your family as being in serious danger of getting seriously ill and then going broke from paying the resultant medical bills. Johnnie's symptoms are evidence that you are correct in your fearful assumptions.

Step 3. You react to this fear by reading the latest news on all illnesses,  you ALWAYS have your hand sanitizer in your purse, and protect your children as much as you possibly can by keeping them away from germs. You are convinced that you and your family are extremely susceptible to germs. Some people say you're paranoid, but what do they know? You'll show them!

Step 4. Before you know it, Johnnie's sniffles have developed into a flu, and now your husband feels puny. Your fear is further reinforced. You become more paranoid, I mean careful.

Step 5. You start taking your children to the doctor's office on the first sneeze, and while there, they catch an infection from a sick child in the waiting room.

Go back to step one and repeat as often as needed.

Does being afraid of illness make you more prone to being sick? There is an undeniable body-mind connection, but I'm not sure if we can draw a permanent cause-effect conclusion. However, the fearful mom in our little story is giving illness, which is something normal in a family's life, a disproportionate power. The power you give to fear comes from the joy/happiness you could be experiencing.

Take a look at one of your trolls and see if he's causing you to reinforce the very thing you're afraid of.

Fear Not the Dow (Jones)

If you're like most people, the incredible drop in the stock market last week was a huge and unwelcome surprise....a lot us are thinking, how low can it go?

It's understandable that the banks made, apparently, some bad lending and investment decisions. It's also now abundantly clear that government oversight and regulation of the financial industry has not prevented these poor decisions; maybe it's made them worse!

What's hard to swallow is that how could these financial companies lose so much value, are they really only worth 1% of what they were worth one year ago? Were they that overvalued before? Are the people running these banks incompetent and/or corrupt? Is upward communication in these institutions so weak that the upper echelon didn't know what was going on? It's hard to grasp this situation.

There is one thing that is clear, despite this financial weirdness, our fear of poverty only makes it worse for us.

Fear is a state of mind and one that you can control. In fact, your thoughts may be the only thing you can control!

Fear can actually be fatal. Here's what Napoleon Hill said about it in Think and Grow Rich:

This fear paralyzes the faculty of reason, destroys the faculty of imagination, kills off self-reliance, undermines enthusiasm, discourages initiative, leads to uncertainty of purpose, encourages procrastination, wipes out enthusiasm and makes self-control an impossibility. It takes the charm from one's personality, destroys the possibility of accurate thinking, diverts concentration of effort; it masters persistence, turns willpower into nothingness, destroys ambition, beclouds the memory and invites failure in every conceivable form...(265).

Hill goes on about the destructive nature of fear, but I think you get the idea.

The antidote: Realize that you will be fine. You're not on the brink of starvation and you're not living under a bridge. I think most Mixonian readers have full use of their arms and legs.

I heard this definition recently: wealth is what you have after all the money is gone.

Life invites us to live the adventure. If you have to work in a bar because you lose your job, it's not the worst thing that can happen. You might open your own bar and make more money than ever before.

Reject fear, feed your mind. Everything is fine. Really.

Are They Mistakes...Or Blessings in Disguise?

A life spent in making mistakes is not only more honorable but more useful than a life spent doing nothing.

--George Bernard Shaw (1856–1950) Irish playwright and critic


Every strike brings me closer to the next home run.

--Babe Ruth (1895–1948) American baseball player

Most people agree that the last Pope, John Paul II, was a remarkable and inspiring man. I always found curious that his first words as pope were, Fear not; be not afraid. It's taken me a while to grasp why he might have said that. Perhaps he was shaking in his boots himself at being elected pope.

The great thing about being a teenager is that at that age, you're fearless....except for panic at the thought of being uncool. As we get older, we realize that a lot of other things can go wrong, and that being uncool is not such a bad thing after all.

It's one thing to be prudent, and another thing to be paralyzed at the idea of taking risk. Sometimes it's hard to discern what's being prudently cautious, and what's being fearful.

There's fear of failure, fear of not being responsible, fear of not being a perfect parent (don't worry, your child turning into a teen will permanently deliver you from that fear by informing you of your immeasurable incompetence.)

The reality is, what you think is a mistake one day, may pay off in the future. Either the mistake turns out to be a stroke of genius, or you learn something so valuable that the mistake becomes your precious teacher.

If you are convinced that mistakes are bad, indications of your being a failure, or incompetent, then you naturally fear making them. If you realize that mistakes always bring you closer to your goals, you experience much less fear. And in both cases, things you do will not always turn out the way you expect, e.g. "mistakes" are inevitable.

One of the themes of the movie, The Curious Case of Benjamin Button, is that a person can appear to be a mistake, but isn't. Like Forrest Gump, Benjamin Button arrives on this earth with physical and/or cognitive disabilities, but actually, both characters become teachers of so-called normal people.

Or consider the case of the "big mistake" of an unwanted pregnancy. A new baby always brings happiness, and the people who get to raise this child receive immeasurable blessing.

So, fear not making a mistake. Just go about your business with full confidence.

5 Ways to Inspire Fear...of You

If you take a close look at what seems like crazy behavior at times, you can usually find fear lurking in the shadows of the situations. Fear of looking stupid, fear of going broke, losing a job, losing a marriage, and so forth. In fact, studies show that fear of loss is a far stronger motivator than the desire to move forward.

Sometimes our actions and/or attitudes actually inspire fear in other people...you may not even realize that you are causing other people to shake in their boots. If you suspect you're sliding down a slippery slope down to where you don't want to go, there is a solution. Inhale deeply and slowly. Exhale. Repeat five times....or until you feel better.

Here are sure-fire ways we (inadvertently) instill fear of ourselves in others:

1. Shut down all communication if somebody says something "wrong." The effect is even more powerful if you grit your teeth. Simply state, "I have nothing further to say," and turn your back on the person. S/he will know not to speak to you in the future, which is obviously what you want.

You know this isn't what you want. Inhale slowly. Exhale. Tell yourself, there is more to this than I am seeing at this moment.

2. Interrogate the other. See if you can prove that you are right and the other is a moron, or at least misguided, by asking enough probing questions. the trick is to really put the other person on the defensive; that way her brain will probably shut down.

Actually, we don't always realize that our "honest questions" sound like a military interrogation. Inhale slowly. Exhale. Tell yourself, there is more to this situation than I am seeing at this moment.

3. Accuse, criticize, and insinuate. Try to imagine the worst possible motivation in the other person, and them accuse him of....using you, stomping on your feelings, abusing the relationship. Really the possibilities are endless. If that gets too time-consuming, you can always find things to criticize, either explicitly or implicitly.

It's actually better to imagine that there is a viable interpretation of events that you're not seeing right now. Inhale slowly. Exhale. Tell yourself, there is more to this than I am seeing at this moment.

4. Blame others. This is another guaranteed way to show your superiority. You can blame the other for whatever is ailing you, probably catching the other off guard, and in any case possibly making the other feel guilty and/or weak.

Don't be a victim. Have a brief pity-party and get on with a good life.

5. Complain. This is the general-purpose people repulser. You don't need to complain about any specific thing. You can either complain about other people, or situations. This policy brings down every one's energy level, and will probably enable you to achieve your goal of self-alienation.

Complaining only makes a situation worse. If there is truly something wrong, calmly bring the problem to the attention to the person who can fix it.

It's way too easy to quash attempts to build relationships and avoid effective communication. Repressing your anger is not the answer either, at least in some cases. If you're feeling stressed out and prone to negative reactions, take a time out and get your head on straight, once again.

Step Out of the Negative Current

These days it can be a challenge avoiding the negative current of fear and confusion generated by the situation in the financial markets. Even if you're not watching the news, you're around people who do, and their fear can be contagious.

Here are some things to keep in mind when you hear people getting distraught about the banking industry.

1. Always remember that bad news sells.

2. Mass media exist to sell audience exposure to advertisers, even the news functions this way.

3. All news is made as sensational as possible.

4. Fear sells.

5. Fear does not help you unless you use it to sharpen your focus.

6. All markets go through periodic corrections. Like storms in nature, they serve an positive purpose.

There is always something going on in the markets. For centuries most people's welfare was at the mercy of factors so far out of their control: the weather, insects, crop sicknesses.

Crisis = Opportunity

This black cloud, like all the rest of them, has a silver lining. The trick is you have to look for it. Don't get caught up in this negative current - find your opportunity.

Choose Confidence Over Fear

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.

Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that frightens us.

We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous?

Actually, who are we not to be?

You are a child of God.

Your playing small doesn't serve the world.

There's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you.

We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us.

It's not just in some of us, it's in everyone.

And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.

As we are liberated from our own fears, our presence automatically liberates others.

Taken from A Return to Love by Marianne Williamson.

This was quoted by Nelson Mandela in his 1994 inaugural speech.