Help for Email Cowards: Face Your Fear

Email cowards are not afraid of email; they're afraid of facing people.

Surely you know the type -- the people who are too lazy or scared to tell you something to your face, so they email what is probably intended as constructive criticism, and end up alienating themselves and creating an unproductive stream of more messages explaining "what I really meant to say." Don't do it!

The problem is, the more you hide behind email, the harder it is to face people. And because these scaredy cats are forgetting how to disagree with people without being disagreeable, they take refuge ever more often behind your computer screen. It's not a pretty picture, but it is a pretty common one.

That tendency, is great news for us "communication experts" who come to companies to help them retrain (remind) their employees how to talk to someone face to face. One strategy is to introduce "Email Free Fridays" where employees are encouraged (strongly) to talk to people either on the phone or in person, rather than emailing information.

Now that business is slow for many companies, it's a great time to build up relationships for the future and email is NOT a tool for this task. Call someone to have lunch, or maybe just a coffee or tea.

And, as a refresher for you to send to those who need it, this is the formula for effective criticism:

1. Show sincere appreciation for this person.

2. Explain what needs to change and why, the actions and the consequences.

3. Show sincere appreciation for this person.

It's quick and a lot less painful than exacerbating yet another email drama. If you've got something a bit negative to relate to someone, pick up the phone, or walk to their office next door and tell them. Nicely.

Take Care with Email Rhetoric

I personally know of 2 marriages whose demise was catalyzed by the mis-interpretation of email messages. One of those was mine, so I have valuable experience with this issue.

One of the maxims of communication studies is that in any message, the actual words we use account for only 7 percent of what is transmitted. Now whether or not this is entirely accurate remains an open question, I mean how can you quantify it down to exactly 7 percent? (The rhetoric of statistics is material for a different post.) But, the proportion does resonate.Think about how many times you've said, or thought, "it wasn't what he said, it was the way he said it."

So, when trafficking in email, you're using a communication medium that leaves out a full 93 percent of the message. The vast majority of the message is omitted, and you're reading the little bit that's left, the words.

No wonder some people allow their feelings to get damaged.

Sally and I were discussing this recently; even I got offended by a person's lack of empathy in a recent email message. Sally reminded me that if the message had been communicated in person, or even by phone, there would have been sufficient context to lend more understanding. With email, you've got to constantly give all benefits of all doubts. People are just not that careful about the emails they write; everyone is too busy and distracted.

So, email is great for the transmission of emotion-free messages and light messages. I do not recommend the reading of email intended for other people, it is impossible to correctly ascertain the context that surrounds other people's messages. It's hard enough to interpret your own.

Have a super day, I'm going to check my email.

Free drawing for lovely scarf on Tuesday. It makes a gentle gift to yourself or another special person. Smply click on the photo and then send a blank email with the word "alpaca" in the subject line to mixonian@gmail.com.