Are You Really Listening?

This post is by Dr. Cindy Brown, “The Relationship Strategist.”

One of the things I have learned that is most interesting to me is the difference in how men and women process language, speak and listen differently.

While women process words, language instantly and think and process out-loud as they are rapidly talking (and maybe multi-tasking too), men tend to process feelings, words and language in their heads and more carefully choose their words instinctively in their heads first before they open their mouth to speak, as if their life depends on it.

SO the relationship tip for women is: when you ask a man a question, wait a minimum of 30 seconds before you interrupt his processing. If you wait a little longer you will be amazed at how much you will get. Have your listening be from a place of curiosity, rather than from “what does this have to do with me?” or “what does he need from me to support him.” Be patient with men, they have a lot to say as long as we give them the space they need to dig deep.

The relationship tip for men is: be patient with us, often we jump from subject to subject, with no real point; sometimes we just need to talk (empty our baskets). Please listen to us with curiosity and not from “what’s the point” or try to fix anything (unless we ask you). If you just utter “uh huh,” and if you ask us at the end when we are done emptying, “Is there anything you told me you want me to remember or comment on?” Then we will be happy and feel listened too!

Hope you have enjoyed theses tips. More tips every month!
Thanks for being willing to continue to get NAKED with me! Check out http://www.GetNakedwithDrCindy.com for more information about my Get Naked program.

Remember: In order to be the person you have never been, In order to have the life and relationships you have never had, You must do what you have never done before: Give me a call at 310-202-1610 or contact me so I can support you in having the best life you’ve ever had!

© 2008 Dr. Cindy Brown

Behavior and Relationship Specialist Dr. Cindy Brown, author of The Cinderella System™ 7 Steps to Attracting the Man & Relationship of Your Dreams, publishes a information-packed monthly online newsletter with 100's of subscribers. If you're ready to jump-start your life and relationships professionally or personally, get your FREE Relationship Success Kit™ at: www.TheCinderellaSystem.com and your FREE Special Report & Audio Class now at www.SuccessfulRelationshipsNow.com

Take Responsibility, Not Blame

Taking responsibility for the results in your life is a big step toward living the life you desire. Sometimes we resist taking responsibility because then it can turn in to thinking, "Obviously I'm a total loser because of all the miserable things going on my life." How do you take responsibility, without falling into the black hole of self depreciation?

That's a good question. One thing to realize is that taking responsibility means we have what it takes to make the situation better. No one has magical power to transform the pumpkin into a Lexus, but we can all take small steps to get our lives more fully aligned with our vision of the good life.

There are things we control, and things beyond our control. Discerning the difference is not always obvious, but neither is it mission impossible. Sometimes it's easier to start by considering a situation in the past, to see if you can assume some level of responsibility, even when you acted in total ignorance, for what happened. I did this with my divorce. Now I see with utmost clarity how I damaged the relationship, not out of ill will, but out of unhealthy habits of which I was unaware.

One bad habit I had was expecting someone else to rescue me. I thought that's what husbands did. I thought that my effort to be the perfect wife would pay off in my total happiness being delivered to me on a lovely platter. Now, I know better; it doesn't work that way.

Another unhelpful habit I had was thinking that by conceding to my husband on the vast majority of our inevitable disagreements, he would then concede the remaining issues, no matter what they were. Not so. You teach people how to treat you and if you've been teaching others that your will is not important, then quite naturally these other people think your will is not important to you, or to anyone else.

If you haven't realized it by now, there is no rescue mission on the way. Being happy is your own mission, and it's mostly possible. Not a state of near-continual delirium, but a contentment that reflects your acceptance of responsibility for your life.