101 Things You Really Need to Know About Communication

Here's my 6 years of graduate school, in a blog post. ;-)

1. Communication is the key to success.

2. Everything about you communicates....something.

3. You cannot not communicate.

4. The medium is the message. (Marshall McLuhan)

5. Words are only 7% of the message.

6. Communication co-creates reality.

7. Communication is the transfer of emotion. (Seth Godin)

8. People appreciate your being clear.

9. What you really gain through good communication is authentic connection with people.

10. You impact the energy of a room by simply entering it.

11. You have way more influence than what you think.

12. Communication is irreversible.

13. Misinterpretation of email can end your marriage.

14. It's not what you say, it's how you say it.

15. What you're feeling is your invisible message.

16. Listening to yourself is essential to being authentic.

17. To connect with others, you have to establish trust.

18. You establish trust by being authentic and open.

19. There are two levels to every message: content + relationship.

20. Everything you communicate is either building personal relationships, or doing the opposite.

21. Human motives are complex.

22. Male communication focuses on results.

23. Female communication focuses on relationships.

24. You have a choice in how you interpret others' messages.

25. You can always choose an interpretation that best suits you.

26. Being authentic is not being selfish.

27. The optimum size for a work team is 5 to 7 people.

28. Always start an email with a greeting.

29. Keep in mind that employers and customers may check out your FB profile.

30. When possible, talk to people instead of emailing them.

31. Forgiving others frees you.

32. Respond, don't react to situations.

33. If you react by accident, go to the bathroom and pull yourself together.

34. Active listening brings you to the present moment.

35. The first step in preparing a presentation is your thesis statement.

36. Persuasion takes place in a context of trust.

37. Writing things down in a journal frees your mind to think new thoughts.

38. If a speaker refers to a famous person, the speaker is (probably) trying to borrow credibility from that person.

39. Executives spend more time listening than talking...according to the research.

40. Executives say they spend more time listening than talking.

41. The average American worker receives 200 emails a day.

42. The best day to release bad news to the press is Saturday.

43. The best day to report good news to the press is Monday.

44. A sound-bite lasts 9 to 14 seconds.

45. People make lasting judgments about you within 30 seconds of meeting you.

46. Send hand-written thank-you notes, not emailed ones.

47. Avoid bullet points in your Powerpoint presentations.

48. Use photos instead of text in your Powerpoint presentations.

49. The first electronic communication medium was the telegraph.

50. Make sure your handshake is firm, not too limp, not too strong.

51. No perfume on a job interview, unless you're practicing in the oldest profession.

52. Learn to disagree without being disagreeable.

53. Saying affirmations (the truth in advance) can shorten the time you spend feeling down.

54. When you have a spare minute, work on your 30-second elevator pitch.

55. News programming is a form of entertainment.

56. News programming is bad for your health.

57. What's bad about the news is not the news, it's what you tell yourself about the news.

58. Complaining brings you more stuff to complain about.

59. Expressing gratitude brings you more stuff about which to be grateful.

60. A thankful heart is a happy heart. (Veggie Tales)

61. There's no such thing as a neutral message.

62. Your standpoint shapes your viewpoint.

63. In reaching your goals, you only have to know the first step to take right now.

64. Use spell check.

65. More vocabulary = more power, so use a thesaurus, too.

66. You can never please everyone.

67. Groups that identify themselves as being against something, rather than for something, do not have a bright future.

68. Creativity is really the only non-renewable economic resource we have. (Richard Florida)

69. To make your message persuasive, you must appeal to human rationality and emotions.

70. The strongest human motivator is fear of loss.

71. You can gain all kinds of benefits from listening, really listening to people.

72. If you think you can, you can, if you think you can't, you're right about that too. (That was Henry Ford's expression.)

73. A good meeting is always preceded by the distribution of a clear agenda.

74. Stress exists only in your mind.

75. There are no justified resentments. (Wayne Dyer, PhD)

76. People have the attention span of goldfish.

77. Creative people should always try to do things they can't do. That's when creativity is needed. (Marcel Wanders)

78. Fear blocks good communication.

79. Fear is created by fantasizing about future experiences. (Jack Canfield)

80. People can hear faster than you can speak.

81. You cannot listen to a person and text at the same time.

82. Truth is good for you. (ODE magazine)

83. Use a lot of white space in your emails.

84. Make sure you have complete and correct contact info in your email signature.

85. Don't put your hands in your pockets when you make a presentation.

86. Leaders who lead by placing blame do a great disservice to their followers.

87. Sometimes people ask questions that have hidden agendas embedded in them.

88. Someone saying that there's a problem doesn't make it true.

89. What you believe about yourself defines who you are; that's what you communicate.

90. What you confidently expect to happen (good or bad) generally becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.

91. Refusing to discuss a problem is the most destructive communication block.

92. Blame and criticism also block communication.

93. Remembering a person's name immediately establishes you as someone who listens, i.e. someone who cares.

94. Learning names takes practices, just like everything else.

95. You teach people how to treat you.

96. What we know about really effective people is that they think. (Jim Collins)

97. Human beings love symbols.

98. Tact is the knack of making a point without making an enemy. (Isaac Newton)

99. Ultimately, people seek communion in their communication.

100. There's usually some bit of truth in all criticism.

101. Complaining, criticizing, gossiping, and whining deaden your communicative ability. Refuse to participate in these activities!

Your Ultimate Leadership Challenge

You may be surprised to know that you have the opportunity to participate in the ultimate leadership challenge on the planet. It's a chance to make the world a better place, for you and for those you care about. Fulfilling this challenge also makes you a healthier and happier person. Any ideas?

Well, the ultimate leadership challenge is showing up as a leader in your own life.

That's one of the many things I've learned from blogger/musician/entrepreneur/creativity teacher Christine Kane. What Christine teaches about personal leadership totally resonates with what I know about effective communication.

Exceptional leaders and communications share at least one major commonality: they are clear about who they are, what they want, and what they expect from life.

People who regularly show up as the leaders of their own lives usually look something like this:

• They know what they want from their work and their relationships.
• They realize they're not perfect, but since no one is, it's not an issue for them.
• Their sense of self (or self-esteem) is not dependent on approval from others.
• Leaders know that sooner or later they achieve their objectives, sometimes it takes longer than expected.
• What others call failure, leaders know is just part of the process of being successful.
• Their quiet confidence doesn't allow them to get caught up in dramatic interludes, or attempts to convince others to accept their viewpoint.
• Much of their success derives from daily habits that are mostly not exciting.
• When other people don't deliver the expected level of service, authentic leaders express their expectations without getting huffy about it.

Here is a snapshot of someone who is not a leader in her own life:

Ms. Priss shows up at the counter to order her cafe au lait. Somehow the person at the counter doesn't see her, or doesn't acknowledge her. Ms. Priss keeps silent, but her slight disappointment transforms in barely concealed contempt when Mr. Counter Person cheerfully waits on the new customer who just walked in the door.

The reality is that her contempt is not concealed. Mr. Counter Person doesn't know what's wrong with this lady who's obviously waiting for someone else to show up.

Ms. Priss is about to explore from anger and stalks out of the coffee shop. Mr. Counter Person wonders what her problem was, but quickly moves on to more interesting matters.

Ms. Priss failed to express what she wanted. She expected Mr. Counter Person to know that she was there to order a coffee. It never occurred to her that Mr. Counter Person would falsely assume that she was waiting for someone else. Not getting the service she expected, Ms. Priss feels slighted, but refuses to resolve the issue in the most obvious fashion - by opening her mouth and asking for a coffee.

Do the world and yourself a favor, show up a the leader of your life.

What's Really Behind All Communication

Today's post is a shameless plug for the study of communication...or better yet it's full of good reasons to stay friendly with your local communication expert.

Knowing the principles of communication enables you share your meaning effectively. We all communicate, through language and a multitude of nonverbal signals, our thoughts, feelings, and ideas. While good communication does not guarantee a successful relationship with everyone you meet, all good relationships function through effective communication.

And as I love to remind my students, everything that comes to you in this life, comes through other people. It behooves one to communicate well.

You communicate well when other people clearly understand what you are saying. In other words, they get your meaning.

Just to get you started thinking about communication (and why it can be so problematic,) here are some principles that matter:

- You cannot not communicate. Everything you say, the way you say it, the way you look, and everything else in the context....shares meaning of some sort.

- Communication is irreversible. Just like the toothpaste out of the tube, once it's out, you can't pull it back in. That's the origin of the plea, "Earth swallow me."

- Communication takes place on two levels: the relationship and the content. On the relationship side, your communication is doing one of three things: building a better relationship, maintaining the relationship, or weakening the relationship. The content is the information you wish to share.

- Communication is a process. You never really get it all done; it's like your life in that it's a work in process. Messages do not have meaning in isolation. That's why email is so troublesome -- this medium leaves out all those great clues from the context.

- Good communication is not the ultimate solution. You can perfectly understand another, and still disagree. You can disagree with another's perspective, and agree to disagree, or decide not to spend much time with that person. Good communication with your auto mechanic is not a guarantee that he will fix your car's problem.

That's it for today. All the complexities involved in communicating in a multicultural universe provide daily fodder and employment for thousands of communication experts all over the planet. Have a great day!

The Ideal Communicator

Aristotle, otherwise known as the "Rhetoric Dad," considered the ideal communicator as a "man of goodwill." If Ari were still with us today, he would say a "person" of goodwill, but back them the word "men" could mean just a bunch of guys, or a group of men and women.

You know how a dog can feel the fear of a perfect stranger? Well, human beings can perceive fear in others too, though usually we don't bite or growl when we're around someone who's uncomfortable. What happens is the feeling of not being comfortable, a slightly negative energy, infiltrates the situation...and that's not a good thing.

Being an ideal communicator begins with a focus on the other person. As has been stated before, good communication is not about you, it's about making the other person feel comfortable and understand your message.

(That's what good manners are for in the first place, by the way, not all at about impressing others.)

Ideal communication is a combination of two things: what you say and how you say it. The core foundation of good communication is good intentions.

You've heard that the road to hell is paved with good intentions. That's absolutely false. The road to good communication is good intentions, the rest follows from that starting point.

5 Ways to More Effective Email

Ever hit the “reply” button when you meant to hit the “forward” button?

Of course you’re familiar with email drama. Perhaps you got yourself involved in one yourself, where the misinterpretation of a message, or one that got sent to the wrong person, spun off into a totally unproductive soap opera segment.

First of all remember everything you write can be used against you, even by someone you never met. Second of all, don't take your received messages so seriously!

1. Think first. Before you initiate a thread, carefully consider what you really want to communicate, what emotion you want to share, and the personality of your intended recipient. Make sure you wouldn’t do better by calling the person, or sending a longer, more formal letter. If you’re replying, see if your reply really is necessary. Sometimes we get copied on messages that are only slightly relevant to us.

2. Edit. Never hit “send” without re-reading your message at least once. If you’re not a good speller, use spell check to give a more professional image. Even a simple message of “no” can be improved to “no, thank you anyway.”

3. Review emotional content. If you’re feeling great, no worries. But, if you’re concerned or angry about something, even if it’s totally unrelated to the message, you’ll probably send negative emotional content without intending to do so. Don’t write email when you’re upset.

4. Control time spent in checking email. Before you automatically start your day by checking email, consider if the early hour would be better spent doing something else. What are your real priorities for the day? Postpone email until later in the morning, and don’t check it every five minutes. If you’re expecting an urgent reply, call the person.

5. Interpret with care. If you find yourself offended by an email, file it to look at again at a later time. Remember everyone tends to be stressed and busy. Give the sender every benefit of the doubt. If you still feel bad, call the person and ask him or her to explain more carefully the message.

Take Care with Email Rhetoric

I personally know of 2 marriages whose demise was catalyzed by the mis-interpretation of email messages. One of those was mine, so I have valuable experience with this issue.

One of the maxims of communication studies is that in any message, the actual words we use account for only 7 percent of what is transmitted. Now whether or not this is entirely accurate remains an open question, I mean how can you quantify it down to exactly 7 percent? (The rhetoric of statistics is material for a different post.) But, the proportion does resonate.Think about how many times you've said, or thought, "it wasn't what he said, it was the way he said it."

So, when trafficking in email, you're using a communication medium that leaves out a full 93 percent of the message. The vast majority of the message is omitted, and you're reading the little bit that's left, the words.

No wonder some people allow their feelings to get damaged.

Sally and I were discussing this recently; even I got offended by a person's lack of empathy in a recent email message. Sally reminded me that if the message had been communicated in person, or even by phone, there would have been sufficient context to lend more understanding. With email, you've got to constantly give all benefits of all doubts. People are just not that careful about the emails they write; everyone is too busy and distracted.

So, email is great for the transmission of emotion-free messages and light messages. I do not recommend the reading of email intended for other people, it is impossible to correctly ascertain the context that surrounds other people's messages. It's hard enough to interpret your own.

Have a super day, I'm going to check my email.

Free drawing for lovely scarf on Tuesday. It makes a gentle gift to yourself or another special person. Smply click on the photo and then send a blank email with the word "alpaca" in the subject line to mixonian@gmail.com.

Are You Really Listening?

This post is by Dr. Cindy Brown, “The Relationship Strategist.”

One of the things I have learned that is most interesting to me is the difference in how men and women process language, speak and listen differently.

While women process words, language instantly and think and process out-loud as they are rapidly talking (and maybe multi-tasking too), men tend to process feelings, words and language in their heads and more carefully choose their words instinctively in their heads first before they open their mouth to speak, as if their life depends on it.

SO the relationship tip for women is: when you ask a man a question, wait a minimum of 30 seconds before you interrupt his processing. If you wait a little longer you will be amazed at how much you will get. Have your listening be from a place of curiosity, rather than from “what does this have to do with me?” or “what does he need from me to support him.” Be patient with men, they have a lot to say as long as we give them the space they need to dig deep.

The relationship tip for men is: be patient with us, often we jump from subject to subject, with no real point; sometimes we just need to talk (empty our baskets). Please listen to us with curiosity and not from “what’s the point” or try to fix anything (unless we ask you). If you just utter “uh huh,” and if you ask us at the end when we are done emptying, “Is there anything you told me you want me to remember or comment on?” Then we will be happy and feel listened too!

Hope you have enjoyed theses tips. More tips every month!
Thanks for being willing to continue to get NAKED with me! Check out http://www.GetNakedwithDrCindy.com for more information about my Get Naked program.

Remember: In order to be the person you have never been, In order to have the life and relationships you have never had, You must do what you have never done before: Give me a call at 310-202-1610 or contact me so I can support you in having the best life you’ve ever had!

© 2008 Dr. Cindy Brown

Behavior and Relationship Specialist Dr. Cindy Brown, author of The Cinderella System™ 7 Steps to Attracting the Man & Relationship of Your Dreams, publishes a information-packed monthly online newsletter with 100's of subscribers. If you're ready to jump-start your life and relationships professionally or personally, get your FREE Relationship Success Kit™ at: www.TheCinderellaSystem.com and your FREE Special Report & Audio Class now at www.SuccessfulRelationshipsNow.com

5 Ways to Learn New Words

Managing more words reveals new layers of meaning in your life. Not only do you understand more of what's going on around you, it's easier to express yourself clearly and in the right number of words. (Don't get pleonastic!)

Given time and energy constraints, how does one get a handle on new words? The first step is to commit to doing so. Merely having this intention clear in your mind will make you see learning opportunities that were previously invisible to you.

1. My sister recommends http://www.thefreedictionary.com. They have a veritable surplus of treasures on their site, including new words each day, interesting quotations, hangman, spelling bees, matching games. Visiting this site and subscribing is one way to go. Try to use the new word right away. Write it in an email, or call a friend and make some comment. Say something pithy.

I learned the meaning of the word "phronesis" just before taking my doctoral qualifying exam last October. I used that word in each of the 8 essays I wrote for that test. I was intrigued that none of my professors commented on that flash of "brilliance". Maybe they really didn't read those essays...

2. Another possibility is subscribing to http://www.dictionary.com's Word of the Day. They don't email it to you, it shows up on your home page. Use that word as soon as you can. Write it down in your journal. Use it.

3. Yet another option is to buy a page-a-day calendar with new words each day. Print media still works.

4. Read, and look up words you're not sure about. Read, and figure out the meanings of words from the context of the sentence. Reading expands your vocabulary without you're realizing it.

5. Get a doctorate. It's expensive, but you will learn many new words, guaranteed.

Learn new words. Try for at least one a day. Be a maverick!

Communicate to Connect

Actually the title to this article is redundant. The word "communicate" originally meant "to have union with people"; it has the same Latin root as our word "communion". One of my favorite definitions of the word "communicate" (of the almost 400 definitions) is "to share meaning, or to attempt to share meaning", which is essentially connecting with another person.

It's somewhat of an irony that for all our advanced communication technology, what we crave is authentic connection with people. This past Sunday's Parade magazine featured an interview with mega-star Jodie Foster. Her most salient comment was how she deeply desired to connect with people. As do we all.

My grandmother, who is amazingly connected with all sorts of people, instilled in me an important key to getting along with people, to help connect with others. She always told me, and still does, that we should imagine that each person we come in contact with is wearing a sign that says, "Please make me feel important". It is not so much that we want to strut around as VIPs, but we all want to matter to others.

In an extension of this line of thinking, in her book, Happy for No Reason, author Marci Shimoff notes that happy people see the whole world as their family. If you see another as a loved brother, aunt, or godfather, it's easier to look for the good in that person. Having that mindset creates a positive energy that you give off without being conscious of that process. It's also another way of loving our neighbor.

To connect to people, imagine them as members of your big happy family. Remember that they want connection as well. Your communication will adjust accordingly.

Details to Polish Your Communication

The Swiss modernist architect Van der Mies is credited with saying "God is in the details". And Sherlock Holmes remarked, "It has long been an axiom of mine that the little things are infinitely the most important." Both of these men must be assuming that one has got the basics down, obviously an architect cannot design a sound building without mastering basic construction principles. The details are what transform a decent message into an outstanding one. Here are some tips for polishing that paper or presentation:

1. Have someone else read what you've written. It doesn't have to be a grammar expert, just someone willing to read it rather carefully. Ask for their help to make it better. If there is simply no one to ask, read it yourself one more time, when you think you can't bear to read it again. Try to give yourself some time between readings. However, you really need to find a friend who can help you edit your important messages. If it's not written, ask someone to listen to your presentation. That's what friends are for.

2. When you think you're finished, consider add 10% more effort to the project. Ask yourself what can make it better, in any aspect. Can you add another example? Can you look up one more source, add a quote, insert a visual element?

3. Ask yourself what can make your message more visually compelling - whether it's on paper or it's an oral presentation. See if you can find nice paper on which to type your paper. Maybe inserting tasteful clip art can help. Don't go crazy with the fonts- stick to a basic one and add visual interest in a different way. If you are the medium for your message, check out what you'll be wearing. Scrutinize your visual aid to see if you can make it more compelling, more concrete.

The fundamental idea is to put in a little more effort in the end. That's easier to do when you don't wait until the last minute to start. Give it a rest and ask yourself what is the one more thing you can do to make it even better!

4 Ways to Communicate Better with Difficult People

It's not that communicating with difficult people drains energy, but we can allow even thinking that we will have to deal with a certain dreaded person to make us lose steam. Dealing with the dread of interacting with people we believe to be difficult is a proactive way we can retain our energy to invest in more interesting projects. Fear is the underlying issue; address it.

1) We are all difficult people at one time or another. The first step in dealing with, or communicating with difficult people is to realize that there is at least one person, and maybe more than one, who considers you a difficult person. Yes, little, lovable, wouldn't-hurt-a-fly you. As my sister put it, everybody is picky about something. It may be that your boyfriend's sister eats only vegan, it's impossible to cook for her. But people who smell like cigarettes drive you nuts....smokers (and yes, they are people, too) may consider you difficult to deal with.

2) Be a good finder. Keeping in mind that someone may actually consider you as a difficult person can free you to see the situation from a broader perspective. Remember how terribly awful you thought your brother, or sister to be in certain situations when you were young. It's kind of the same situation, all over again. Look for the good in that difficult person. Every single person has positive qualities; some people are better at hiding those good aspects below a gruff surface. Make it your mission to unearth the good side.

3) Everyone knows something you need to know. This step should motivate you to work harder at #2. Everyone has the capability of helping you in some way or another; that help may not be evident to either one. Think of a time when in talking to someone, a fresh idea or perspective emerged from the conversation. Or how you found out the name of someone you needed to contact. That's how detectives solve their mysteries. No one ever told Sherlock Holmes the right clue intentionally -- he deducted the value in information that was available, or he asked the right questions. Even the fact that you consider a specific person difficult can help you discern your own personality quirks. Why do you consider this person difficult in the first place?

4) Take responsibility for your own role in the conflictive situation. You didn't do it on purpose. If you had known better, you would have handled the person in a more careful manner. Most likely this other person is not being difficult to you on purpose (although it is possible that s/he is). Mayben you were not clear yourself at some point in the conflict. The point is not to beat up yourself for not being perfect, the point is to realize that everyone has his own drama on stage. The mere owning up to a minor role of responsibility will change the tenor of the relationship context, and communication with this person will improve.

From time to time, everyone plays the role of the witch, the dysfunctional, the hysterical, the overly sensitive, the angry person. Look for the good in your "adversary" and actively investigate this person for information that can help you. Assume more responsibility for turning this relationship around, and communication can only get better!

6 Ways to Communicate Better - no matter what!

We all have more formats, media, opportunities for communication than ever. We also have more ways to mess up relationships than ever before. And we're managing more relationships that are not all as strong as you think. Your parents will love you no matter what; your boss will not, your significant other may not. In any case, principles for effective communication in our ueber-cluttered environment are the same.

1. The most important perspective on ALL communication: it's not about you. It's about the other person, your audience, be it teacher, boss, friend, parent, other. This post is for current and former communication/English students, whether students in the official sense, or those in the life-long learning mode. Put yourself in the person's flipflops. What is this other person, your audience, looking for, or afraid of? Fear is often a hidden element in our relationships, and therefore in our communication.

2. Focus on your core message. If you want you audience to remember only one thing, for example, that you need more money, that's your core message. Everything centers around a core message. Incidentally, if your core message is about money, and your audience is your boss, then the operating verb is "deserve", not "need". When dealing with parents and money, better not to insist on what you deserve. See tip #1.

3. Think of three reasons why your audience should accept your core message. Maybe you have only one reason, or five. People can generally listen, or take in up to 3 reasons. Keep these simple and to the point. Better communication helps you experience richer relationships, smoother transactions, and more satisfaction with yourself.

4. Make sure your core message is abundantly clear and simple. If you're writing it, try to delete as many unnecessary words as you can. In many cases fear of rejection (of our core message) makes us beat around the bush and obfuscate. Be bold. Be clear. Remember #1. Better communication gets you closer to the good life.

5. Consider what is the benefit for your audience/boss/parent/significant other for accepting your core message. WIIFT. What's in it for them? This is another way of putting into operation #1. This can help you develop #3. Better communication gets you closer to the good life.

6. If you want a specific action to take place, spell it out. Make no assumptions. If you do not have a specific response in mind, then what is your core message about? In your messages that go beyond, "pass the salt", "the meeting was moved up to Thursday", focus on your core message and what's in it for you key audience.

Think about it. Your core message helps your audience in what way. Connect the dots for them. Elucidate!