Escaping Negative People

The respected business speaker Jim Rohn used to say that we are the average of the 5 people with whom we spend the most time.

When I remind my children of this, they roll their eyes in the hopelessness of having to spend so much time with their parents and siblings. "No wonder," they comment. ;-)

The idea of being careful about the company you keep is not new. Similar advice is found in ancient writings from most cultures. What isn't really spelled out, is how to drop negative people from your life without feeling like a jerk.

Here's some extremely helpful insight on this important issue.

First of all, there are negative people to whom you're absolutely stuck - through marriage or through blood. You do not have to sever all ties with your family. Those people are your teachers and you want to figure out how to be with them, without being pulled down by them.

That is your very important life lesson.

It's probably tougher escaping relationships with needy negative friends and acquaintances; you know they need help. And "nice' people always lend a hand....right?

Well, if you're a trained therapist, feel free to help everyone you can in your practice. The rest of us do not need to spend our life force bucking up people who are attached to negative behaviors or thought patterns. Unless you're a psychologist, your support may be encouraging them, or enabling them to stick with what's comfortable, rather than what's in their best interests.

I dropped such a "friend" last year. She was always feeling down, not doing much of anything, and would be classified as a card-carrying member of what Zig Ziglar calls the "Ain't It Awful Club." After spending any time talking to her, I always felt drained.

I simply stopped returning her phone calls.

Did I feel guilty? A little bit. But I always remember my favorite light bulb story:

Q. How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb?

A. The light bulb can't be changed unless it wants to change.

That's true for all of us. Teachers always show up when we're really ready to learn something. And as any professional educator can attest, teaching people who really don't want to learn is pretty much a contradiction.

While you can raise your energy level, you're never going to have an infinite supply of life force. Spend on relationships, things, and experiences that delight you.

The Sure Way to Appreciate Your Assets

At our house, we awoke to the beautiful sound of rain falling. That's really a magical way to start the day, even if it does mean traffic may be a bit more challenging than usual.

The word "entrepreneur," as you know from its tricky spelling, comes from French. It originally meant to transform something of lower value into something of higher value. Like fixing up an old home, restoring an old desk, or learning a new skill.

That's the really exciting part of life - to appreciate people, things, and situations with a fresh perspective. That's what investors do. Investors either look at an existing company, or a person's business plan, and determine whether they can appreciate its value.

To appreciate is to see the value in. You can appreciate what is, and you can appreciate what can be. Both are habits and require an intent to appreciate.

That's what teachers do. We appreciate our students. Not that they always appreciate our appreciation. ;-)

The opposite of appreciation is taking for granted. I know you hate when others take you for granted. Feeling unappreciated hurts at a deep level; but then again, appreciation starts with yourself. The way you allow others to treat you reveals your own level of self-appreciation.

Recently I had a bad experience at a doctor's office. After 2 hours of getting no service, I went to another doctor's office and got my problem resolved immediately. But, I had to pay extra at the second doctor's office, whereas the visit to the first doctor was included in the price of the treatment I had already paid for. But I value my life and my time enough to spend an extra $31 to solve a problem.

Later, I took the trouble to express my dis-satisfaction with the first doctor. They were appropriately apologetic.

Look with investor-eyes at your day today. See what you can appreciate.

Stories that Reveal the Real You

Self-instructed scholar Kenneth Burke contributed many concepts to the study communication in general, and to specifically literature. One of his ideas is called the "representative anecdote." You can also call them stories that explain you, or explain someone else.

For example, I have many representative anecdotes related to Hugo Chavez, authoritarian charismatic president of Venezuela. My favorite story that explains him is the following. In January, 2008, Chavez decreed a new time zone for Venezuela, exactly one half hour off from the pre-existing time zone. Their time zone used to be the same as East Coast time during daylights savings time; Venezuela is west of the U.S.

So, what do you imagine the benefit to the country would be to have a time zone, all its own, one half hour off from what it used to be.

Well, the given reason was that it would help school children not have to get up in the darkness. (????) Exactly.

Chavez changed the time zone because it was easy, it affected everyone who lives in and deals with Venezuela, and because he could. He performs random acts of authority almost every week, just to remind everyone that he can.

So what story explains who you are?

One of my favorites is the time when I was five years old and I cut the electrical cord connecting a lamp to the wall, which was turned on at the time. I wanted to see what electricity looked like. I was scared, but felt the fear and did it anyway. I got the shock of a lifetime, and was told that I ruined my mother's sewing scissors.

What anecdotes tell your story? Not the stories about when you fulfilled other people's expectations, the good daughter or dutiful husband, but the ones where you really did what you wanted to do.

Make Your Self-Value Grow Today

In my last coaching session with Christine, she casually remarked that it seemed to her that I easily put other people on exalted pedestals, while playing down my own expertise and value. Ouch. Did I tell you that, in my experience, coaches are not warm fuzzies?

But then again, no one could say I was being selfish, right? Isn't being "selfish" the worst insult?

No one I know spends her every day at the spa, getting daily massages and beauty treatments. I imagine those ladies exist somewhere, but my buddies all work extremely hard serving others in one capacity or another. Some of them get a lot of money for what they do, and others not so much.

Spending time at the spa does not necessarily correlate with value allocation. But most definitely, if you value yourself, other people in your life will follow your lead. They will either value you as well, or step into the background.

If you appreciate yourself, good things happen. You can give more, perform better, break negative patterns in your life and live from a deeper level of contentment.

By consistently burning the candle at both ends, failing to take special care of yourself, people assume, not that you're waiting for a rescue, but that you actually enjoy being a masochist.

Here are some things I do to remind myself that I rock:

- Get enough sleep.

- Take time to walk almost every day.

- Shop at a nice grocery store.

- Relish the scent of handmade candles from Pacifica candles.

- Attend chamber music concerts.

- Bring take-out food home. (Conversely you could bring a homemade lunch to work.)

- Take time to goof off.

None of these tactics are going to break the bank. What can you do today to value yourself?

Your Imaginary VA/PA

My brother from India visited me this week-end.

Well, he's not actually from India, but he's been there at least a dozen times; that makes him my local India expert. He has a three-sentence title on his business card to explain that he is Chief Technology Guru at his company, which just goes to prove you never know what little brothers are capable of accomplishing. Quite naturally, I wanted the scoop from him on subcontracting to an international virtual assistant.

Tim Ferris talks about getting VAs to do your work in his book, The Four-Hour Workweek, and The Onion has a hilarious video clip on the topic on youtube.

For a fun and thought-expanding way to get your week started, I came up with this exercise. It will help you see how you can free up some time for fun stuff, my personal favorite being doing nothing, and may even inspire you to hire a local PA for 3 hours a week. That's how Christine Kane started with her PA - three hours a week. There are people who would love to earn a bit of extra spending money.

Keep in mind how much you're making per hour yourself, and how much you want to earn. A $50,000 annual salary is roughly equivalent to working $25/hour for 40 hours a week. However, if you're earning $200,000 and working 80 hours a week, you're making $50/hour.

This is to get you thinking outside your concept of what is normal. As my son puts it, "Mom, why would anyone want to be normal?"

Things your VA/PA can do for you:

- Communicate your event to the press.

- Fill your car with gas and get it washed.

- Make trip reservations.

- Drycleaners, grocery shopping.

- Merchandise returns.

- Walk the dog, change the kitty litter.

- Chop vegetables.

- Grade certain assignments.

- Look for stuff on Craig's list.

- Post office.

- Call your mom to say you're not going there for Christmas this year. (Yes, Mom, I will be there, this is just an example!)

- Return and fetch library books.

- Take pet to the vet.

- Look for an apartment to rent for your next vacation.

- Set, move, and cancel doctors' appointments.

- Gift shopping, gift wrap.

Wealthy people have been using personal assistants for years, now it's accessible to almost anyone. How much is your life worth?

Redefining Real Leadership

Whether you voted for Obama as president, or someone else, you may have this sneaking suspicion that the guys whom we elected to represent us in Washington really don't know what they're doing.

Bills are passed that no one reads, no one knows who is getting the stimulus, how we're going to pay for it, what has happened to the billions given to the privileged companies, and life goes on.

Employees are laid off, pay checks are docked, and retirement funds look only slightly less anemic than before.

In case you haven't noticed, the traditional leadership paradigm isn't working anymore, if it ever really did.

The new leadership paradigm is this: The people who have the courage to show up in their own lives as leaders, are the ones to follow.

Real leaders are not the elected politicians.

They're not perfect.

They're not ordained.

They don't have the right degrees.

They're not cheerleaders.

They're not licensed by your state to practice leadership.

They're not playing the role of rescuer.

They're not into blame.

They simply show up every day, take responsibility, and keep moving forward. They know what they want, and what they don't want.

Real leaders show up, do what they need to do to move forward and take care of themselves. Try it.

The Material That's Not on the Final Exam

Sometimes I share some really important life lessons related to communication, public speaking, writing, or listening. Inevitably a student will ask, "Is that gonna be on the final?"

While this questions tempts my inner ogress to emerge and respond, I remember that it's just a product of their 13+ years of conditioning in that institution known as "school."

Here's an example from the Communicating at Work by Adler and Elmhorst textbook:

One method for giving every member's ideas an equal chance to be considered is the nominal group technique (NGT). (The method's name comes from the fact that, for much of this process, the participants are a group in name only, since they are working independently.)

That is the kind of material usually found on the final exam.

Now, could it be possible, that people who read this blog, attend meetings, and work for a living, are able to work effectively without knowing what nominal group technique is?

This example shows the limit of what a college education can do to really prepare a person for a productive and fulfilling life. It's also why I prefer to teach in workshops, where arbitrary academic regulations do not play a role.

One more thing about material that's not on the final exam. It's also stuff that may not be represented in your annual evaluation -- consider how have you already made the planet a better place.

- People you've helped in one way or another.

- Trash you picked up that wasn't yours.

- Contributions of time or treasure to important causes.

- Encouragement to others.

- Art created by you, or your children.

- The times you've made people laugh.

- The really important knowledge you've shared.

- The meals you've shared.

As you know, the best is what's not on the final exam. Don't let other people's rules and regulations shrink you.