Make Your Self-Value Grow Today

In my last coaching session with Christine, she casually remarked that it seemed to her that I easily put other people on exalted pedestals, while playing down my own expertise and value. Ouch. Did I tell you that, in my experience, coaches are not warm fuzzies?

But then again, no one could say I was being selfish, right? Isn't being "selfish" the worst insult?

No one I know spends her every day at the spa, getting daily massages and beauty treatments. I imagine those ladies exist somewhere, but my buddies all work extremely hard serving others in one capacity or another. Some of them get a lot of money for what they do, and others not so much.

Spending time at the spa does not necessarily correlate with value allocation. But most definitely, if you value yourself, other people in your life will follow your lead. They will either value you as well, or step into the background.

If you appreciate yourself, good things happen. You can give more, perform better, break negative patterns in your life and live from a deeper level of contentment.

By consistently burning the candle at both ends, failing to take special care of yourself, people assume, not that you're waiting for a rescue, but that you actually enjoy being a masochist.

Here are some things I do to remind myself that I rock:

- Get enough sleep.

- Take time to walk almost every day.

- Shop at a nice grocery store.

- Relish the scent of handmade candles from Pacifica candles.

- Attend chamber music concerts.

- Bring take-out food home. (Conversely you could bring a homemade lunch to work.)

- Take time to goof off.

None of these tactics are going to break the bank. What can you do today to value yourself?

Maximize Your Holiday Productivity

It's now November, and the holidays are right around the corner. It is a wonderful thing that we get an extra hour of rest before crunch time. Everyone's looking forward to spending more time with friends and family, making memories and catching up with loved ones....or not. Holiday time also strikes fear in the heart of many brave souls-- there are so many more things to do.

The time to get ready is now.

You know you have more shopping, more decorating, more food preparation, more correspondence, more cleaning, more driving, more socializing, more shopping ahead. That usually means less rest, less exercise, more overeating, and more stress.

It doesn't have to be a fitness freefall.

This is the time to throw the pass/fail dichotomy out the window. Keep the big picture in mind and forget about holiday perfection.

Mixonian gives you permission to do the following between now and the end of the year:

- You are allowed to decline certain party invitations.

- You are allowed to buy gift cards instead of gifts.

- You are allowed to schedule someone else to clean the house this month and next.

- You are allowed to buy take-out for Thanksgiving.

- You are allowed to put off certain clients/projects until January.

- You are allowed to go to bed before 9 pm one evening per week.

- You are allowed to walk instead of jog.

- You are allowed to eat just fruit for supper one night a week.

- You are allowed to schedule extra time to goof off.

Remember when you push yourself too hard and too long, burnout is almost inevitable. This year's holiday theme is "Sharing Our Imperfect Love While Having Fun."

Pay Attention!

By Marci Shimoff

Well, the Olympics are over. Now I can finally get to bed before midnight! (I missed that 10 p.m. angel train many times in the past few weeks while glued to those events.)

I was in awe of the athletes—not only because of their extraordinary talent, but also because of their hearts and souls. Clearly what separates the best isn’t only physical prowess, but the mastery of their thoughts and emotions, as well.

I think we can learn a lot from these remarkable people—we can even apply the principles behind their mastery to raising our own level of happiness.

For example, these athletes have an amazing ability to be fully present in the moment. As they performed, I doubt any of them worried about how they looked in a swimsuit or thought about what they’d be having for dinner that evening.

All their attention was fully focused in the NOW!

It reminded me of a fascinating interview I did recently with Dr. Ellen Langer, a psychology professor at Harvard, for my upcoming PBS show on happiness, called Happy for No Reason (which airs in many cities starting September 6—we’ll send the schedule out very soon).

Ellen has done extensive research on mindfulness, the ability to be fully present and attentive to what is happening in the moment. She tells a story about a study with dolphins and their trainers.

Researchers divided the trainers into two groups as they trained their dolphins. They instructed trainers in the “mindless” group to think only about what they already knew about their dolphins, thus making them more focused on the past and less attentive in the moment during the training sessions.

They instructed trainers in the “mindful” group to think about what was new or different about their dolphins that they hadn’t noticed before, as a way to help the trainers stay more present in the moment during training.

The results were fascinating. The dolphins with “mindful” trainers actually swam faster toward their trainers and stayed with them longer than did the dolphins in the “mindless” group of trainers. Mindfulness made the trainers more attractive to their dolphins.

When you practice being more mindfully present in the moment, you, too, will be more engaging and attractive to be around—and you will experience more joy.

For the next few weeks, try this experiment:

Any time you notice yourself drifting into thoughts about the past or future, switch gears. Pretend you are an investigative reporter, and ask yourself what is unique or special about that particular moment. Pay attention to the details of the moment and the sensations you have, and experience appreciation for that moment.

How would your life feel and be different if you were more present and attentive?

Have a dedicated intention to be more conscious, more present, and see where it takes you. Think of this as your training—for the gold medal in happiness!

Marci Shimoff is a celebrated transformational leader
and #1 New York Times best-selling author. To learn
more of her powerful techniques for establishing deep
and authentic happiness and well-being, visit here.

Christmas in July

Yes, dear readers, I know it's only the middle of July. But getting a head start on Christmas shopping is both smart and fun. And relaxed. Browsing through the August isses of one of my favorite magazines, Domino, I'm passing on 5 gift ideas all at good prices and in excellent taste.

1. This could be for that difficult-to-shop-for teenage boy: a green and white Finnish dartboard. $48 kioskkiosk.com.

2. Opinel knife from France. This family business has been making knives since 1890. #VRN10 has a folding blade and a beechwood handle. Just under $12. discountcutlery.net.

3. Toy wooden skyscrapers "New York." The highest one is 4 inches tall. Priced at $14 for 14 pieces. Muji Soho. 212.334.2002.

4. Thick canvas storage bin with handles in a chic black and white bead print. 12.5 x 8 x 10.5 inches. Regular price is $98 but if you buy the magazine there is a special offer to get 20% off (page122). hableconstruction.com

5. A doormat made of recycled flip flops! Very nice design. Regular price $89 for the 3 x 5 foot size but there's also a 20% discount for Domino readers. vivaterra.com

Mixonian also recommends books as gifts and there are four specific recommendations down on the left of the blog. We welcome other gift ideas from readers. Happy Friday!

21 Ways to Be Nice to Yourself

Today is the third day of the second half of the year. Mixonian hopes that things are going well for you and that you are being very very nice to yourself.

Being nice to yourself is essentially forgiving yourself for not being perfect while making it easier for you to succeed in your endeavors. Having high expectations for yourself and others is a great motivator...up to a point. If you think about it, life runs along a grid of paradoxes: be disciplined, but have fun; be spiritual, not a religious fanatic; make money, don't be consumed by money.

Aristotle's well-known suggestion was moderation in all things. We're still not sure if that means moderated moderation.

Being very nice to yourself sets a wonderful example for how others should treat you, too.

21 Easy Ways to Be Especially Nice to Yourself:

1. Get enough sleep. If possible, take a nap.

2. If the day is hectic, find a space to do nothing for 15 minutes. This will actually make you more productive and focused.

3. Go to the library and check some books that you would never buy, but are curious about.

4. Write a letter...on stationery.

5. Go over your list of things to do and eliminate/postpone a fourth of them. Remember Pareto's Law, the 80/20 rule. (If you don't remember, it's that 20% of input yields 80% of the output.)

6. Write out what an ideal day for you would be. Ideally, this would be in your journal.

7. Hire someone to help you with the house, even if it's just once in a while.

8. Organize a drawer, or a chest of drawers.

9. Clean out the refrigerator.

10. Think in terms of baby steps for any area in which you feel really frustrated: exercise, diet, saving money.

11. In Suzuki music training program, parents are taught that their main job is to do whatever it takes for their child to experience success: lower the bar, encourage, reward good behavior. Consider making your own success inevitable.

12. Sign up for a cooking class or a wine tasting. If you're in the Atlanta area, click on the link to the left for www.tasteandsavor.com and Nancy can help you with this. Actually planning a small cooking class or wine tasting is a great way to entertain close friends.

13. Try a new healthy food. My personal suggestion is organic dates, but anything healthy works. I'm planning to try collards soon.

14. Remember that no one oppresses you without your permission. If you feel overwhelmed, that's your problem to solve.

15. Forgive others. Let it go. There is no room for resentment in life. Too risky.

16. Take the magazines laying around, go through them and cut out pictures that inspire, save articles that interest you (file them!) and throw the rest away.

17. You now have permission to give away the crocheted toilet paper cover your Aunt Edna made for you. Remember William Morris' advice, "Keep only those things that are useful or you believe them to be beautiful."

18. Be brilliant and start looking for Christmas gifts now.

19. Work on your gratitude list. Think of 5 different things for which you are so grateful. What you appreciate, appreciates.

20. Think of one word or short phrase to guide you for the rest of this year: organize, lighten up, experiment, focus, baby steps.

21. Plan a vacation.

Speaking of vacation, Mixonian will be taking her own advice and taking a vacation. Back July 14.

Lorraine Lewis of Pennsylvania won the alpaca scarf. Look out for a new drawing in August.

Adult Games

Naturally, Mixonian is referring to games for adults to enhance productivity and enlightenment!

Crafty Sally explains her Project Cup Game:

Last week, because I had sooooo many projects going on and I wanted to do them ALL, I wrote each one on a little piece of paper, folded it up, and put it in a cup. Every day I was so excited to get home, get my chores done, and pull a project out of that cup to work on. Each project was a reward!

When that was finished I could pull out another project. So what did I accomplish last week? I got labels made and attached to 8 quilts, made and attached hanging sleeves to 7 quilts, made a bed bench, a window pane mirror, 3 little pillows for the bed bench, 3 silverware windchimes, and finished the Sister Chicks wall hanging. That’s pretty ambitious for 5 days, don’t you think?

My project cup is now empty, but that’s not a bad thing. It simply means that I only have one thing going right now.

Christine recommends The Prosperity Game.

To increase your wealth consciousness, meaning to see the man in the moon within the realm of prosperity thinking, Christine introduced me to the Prosperity Game. It opens your mind to new possibilities and can lighten up, and enlighten up your day.

Finally, Mark's Theory of Least Attractive Job:

This theory posits that in order to avoid the least attractive job, a person will do almost anything. In his case, rather than work on his master's thesis, he completely landscaped the backyard. So, while the thesis took about a year longer than necessary, he and his family now enjoy a lovely backyard with entertaining area. I have applied this theory to get my ironing done, a task that becomes enticingly attractive compared to the alternative of the 30th day of writing about charisma.

The Mixonian game, the free drawing for a beautiful alpaca scarf ends TOMORROW. To enter this free drawing simply 1) click on the photo of the scarf to visit Caroline's alpaca website and 2) send a blank email with the word "alpaca" in the subject line to mixonian@gmail.com

One Thing At a Time

It's a multitasking world, even if multitasking doesn't quite work as well as we sometimes think. We make some progress on the issue at work, and get home to a messy house. We get the house clean, or cleanER, and realize we haven't done any exercise. And you get out an exercise, and realize you're too exhausted to even carry on a semi-coherent conversation.

If you're feeling overwhelmed, take 15 minutes, MINIMUM, and do the following. Set the timer on your cell phone for 15 or 20 minutes, turn off the ringer, find a place and go do nothing for the duration.

After, and only after this task is done, if you're feeling like you're not making progress like you'd like to, write down all the projects floating in your head, all the to-do's that are distracting you. Choose one and only one thing to do and do it.

The rest will get done. The world is (probably) not going to end. Do one thing at a time, and it will all get done. Mixonian promises.

When you're not sure what to do, ask yourself what is one thing that will move you closer to an important objective. One thing that brings you closer, not that it necessarily gets that goal accomplished. Mixonian promotes baby steps.

Don't forget to do something to pamper yourself. Most of the time, other people don't pamper us, that's our job. Don't leave that one undone.

The Value of Self Care

Happy Mother's Day! It's 4:30 in the afternoon and I'm still in my pajamas so you all know I'm having a great day.

Today I'm taking it easy, something I should do more often. Usually I go and go, and go some more, always trying to make the most of every moment, never "wasting" time, thinking ahead, and planning. Then I collapse, and rest, and start the cycle all over again. It is far too easy to put off the necessary rests, the self care, until "mañana." It usually appears that there are too many things to do in too little time.

There is a wonderful word in Spanish that I have a hard time translating. The word is "consentir", which is usually is translated as "to spoil." This word has a more negative than positive nuance, it's thought of as something to avoid doing, as in "What a spoiled brat!" Another translation could be "to take special care of", but the fact that this idea takes so many words to express shows it is a concept of low value in our society. You seldom hear someone say, "She is so well taken care of!"

Extreme self care is considered idleness, or wasteful. Getting a good night's sleep is for wimps. The following exchange expresses it well. I heard it on the movie A Good Woman, based on a play by Oscar Wilde, Mrs. Windemere's Fan.

Gentleman #1: They've gone from barbarism to decadence without bothering to build a civilization in between.

Gentleman #2: Well, that's American efficiency for you.

Well, I haven't come up with a word yet for "taking extremely good care of one self," but I'm working on it. People who don't take care of themselves are cranky, snappy, biting off your head for nothing, unimaginative, and unproductive. And expecting someone else to take care of you great for children, but I haven't seen it work out well among grown-ups.

So, don't put it off, schedule it in: extreme self care. If you don't value yourself, how can you value others?

Tiny Changes, Big Impact

To get anything done, you have to act. Thinking about it, wishing for something, is not enough. Imagination precedes action, it doesn't replace action. What happens is we sometimes get overwhelmed with the scope of our dream or goal, and we don't know where to start, or what the next step should be. Julia Cameron has a great suggestion to get moving.

In The Artist's Way, she recommends making 10 tiny changes in your life. Listing these in your journal, or anywhere, and doing them. What kind of changes are tiny ones? Ones that you can do today, or certainly this week. For example, something so mundane as socks. I had been looking for socks to wear with my running shoes, not that I was going running, but of course I needed athletic socks, not dressy socks. I started to murmur to myelf about my kids taking my socks, and then I realized, simply go buy more socks! It sounds so ridiculous, but getting out to a nearby convenience store, I bought my socks. No more negative thoughts about socks!

In their follow-up book, The Artist's Way at Work, the authors, writing for a slightly different audience, refer to this as filling the form. "Filling the form requires us to pay gentle attention to our wishes and needs. We may not be able to make the large changes that we yearn for, but we certainly can make small changes that bring us a sense of comfort and optimism" (69). I think tiny changes are the path to big changes. In his work with success principles, Jack Canfield recommends taking 5 steps each day that move you closer to your big goal, it could be as small as sending email to 5 people who may be able to help you.

Think of 3 small changes you can make in eacd of the following areas of your life:

1. Work space.
2. Car.
3. Kitchen.
4. Wardrobe.
5. Reading list, or entertainment plans.
6. Living room.
7. Bedroom.
8. Exercise habits.
9. Eating habits.
10. Spiritual/intellectual maintenance

These changes can be so ordinary, getting your tires aligned, getting a picture framed, buying organic dates, picking up paint chips, buying socks. However, they get you moving toward your good life.

What can you do today that would bring you delight, or bring you closer to attaining a big dream?

The Challenge: Clutter vs. Time Off

If you've been following the line of thought through the last several posts, you may have been struck by the irony of writing about the need to take time off, indeed to schedule time for being a vegetable, followed by posts about the imperative of dealing with clutter. Obviously, there is only so much time and energy, do you schedule time to vegetate, or do you deal with the unfinished tasks, the "drains"?

The answer goes back to Stephen Covey's teaching of the 7 Habits of Highly Effective People. While I benefited from his teaching many years ago, at that time I certainly did not realize the full wisdom he was imparting. Not that these ideas were new; his contribution was to organize these ideas in a manageable fashion. His first habit is: Be proactive, not reactive. Yeah, we all know that, but it's a concept worth re-visiting.

We are proactive, perhaps most of the time, but because of the multitude of distractions and activities, it is so easy to get stuck in a pattern, and dealing with all urgent matters, and leaving out some very important things. And what is important to you can change with time. It's a good idea to re-assess your situation in order to be proactive in a fresh way, a way that reflects the way you are today.

Being proactive means both scheduling time to do nothing and setting aside time to work on clutter. I'm using "clutter" in a very wide sense, all the stuff that needs to be done, even if it doesn't look like physical clutter in the home. The normal tendency is to ignore clutter, until it takes on crisis proportions and becomes an urgent task, which then tends to take over your life. You may be familiar with the Crash and Burn process. The more intelligent approach is to schedule a manageable time to work on it, without expecting to actually finish everything, but to reduce the scope of the clutter by dealing with it for half an hour every day, or two hours every Saturday, or something like that.

Same goes for time off. That means no TV, no radio, no I-pod, no cell phone, nada for a while. Time to allow your mind to create, without necessarily telling you what it's up to.

Be proactive, once again. Work on your clutter, then relax and do nothing. It's part of creative life in 2008.

Free from Clutter

I am addressing the issue of clutter again. The subject is still on my mind, even though I am not a pack rat. While all the my international and local moves have forced me to throw out a lot, tons in fact, I still see much to be done.

When I worked with the Stephen Covey group in Caracas many years ago, one of the main concepts I taught was the difference between urgent activities and important activities. I didn't think of it at the time, but now it's blatantly obvious that dealing with the clothes that need ironing, the stacks of stuff, the overstuffed drawers, are all important, but not urgent, and so it's easy to put off dealing with it. However, accumulating too much clutter can develop into a crisis but even worse, it keeps you distracted from more interesting projects, and may even depress you.

Seeing things, or noticing anew what needs to be taken care of puts makes you feel bad. It doesn't have to be clutter, but it can be. It can also be the squeak in a door, the ugly pitcher from Aunt Helga on the table, the burned out light bulb you keep meaning to replace. Not being able to easily close a drawer is another "drain".

Probably the reason this is so much on my mind is that as part of an e-seminar I'm taking with Christine Kane, we had to write down all the pending things, broken items, stuff to do that we keep putting off. Let me tell you, it is sad to really take in all that you're leaving undone, and it's natural to feel something like despair.

I think though, not facing these things is a dangerous form of denial. It's painful to see what you can overlook most of the time, but taking time to face the enemy is necessary to bring this monster down to a more manageable size. I've always had goal lists, now I have a "drains" list -- those things which drain my precious energy.

Being a perfectionist is the answer. It's not waiting for the glorious day to get every single thing in order. It's making a list, checking it twice, and working on it bit by bit.

Life is a journey, an adventure, not a destination. Work towards the good life, away from the clutter.

Clear out Clutter

A minimalist approach.

Clutter distracts. Distractions cause loss of focus. Without clear focus, missions are not accomplished. Living an unfulfilled life is not a happy experience.

Distractions block creativity.

Clearing the clutter means making decisions. Your decisions are not ALWAYS the most expedient ones, but clearing out clutter leaves more room in your life for the good stuff. In other words, it's normal to make mistakes and the unexpected consequences can make your life more interesting.

Be creatively brave. Clear out clutter. One clut at a time.

Scheduling Time Off

It's not cool to get a good night's sleep most of the time. The really hot people are so busy they just barely get enough shut eye to make it through. The movers and shakers move and shake so much that they forget what it's like to be quiet. Maybe this hyperactivity is what's behind the growing sleep industry: sleep aids, sleep seminars, and sleep therapy.

I don't think the quality of your work can stay at a high level without rest. And as Christine Kane just pointed out, even music cannot exist without rests built in the composition. Think about it.

On top of getting enough rest at night, we want to have times of rest and contemplation during the week, if not each day. I know some of Mixonian's readers are panting as they read, because they are running so quickly through their weekly activities. Hectic days and weeks are inevitable, what we don't want is a totally hectic life. Think of being frantic and being creative as being opposites.

It's not that anyone can just retire right now. It's about balance, and not fearing the absence of distractions, as it seems most children do these days.

Get out your day scheduler and put in a Very Important Meeting with yourself. There should be only 1 item on the agenda: do nothing. But remember, turn your phone ringer off; no distractions are allowed at this highly important meeting.

Finishing Unsurmountable Tasks

One experience that both annoys and drains energy is leaving tasks unfinished. Not because you lost interest, which can be the case, but because other things simply took over. When there is a task that appears absolutely impossible, like a dissertation (random example : )), you have to move forward on it every single day.

Another aspect of these types of projects is that they usually involve the collaboration of other people. The other people also have other things to do, and frankly your project may have a pretty low priority on their lists. You still have to move forward each day.

This morning, before dawn, I emailed (for the second time) one simply but crucial paragraph from this dissertation proposal. It's the research question paragraph - a key thing for scholars. It's one single paragraph so I think he can look at that today, and get back to me.

What are you doing to move your biggest project forward?

Creativity for "Normal" Tasks

You may have noticed that one of my life themes is using my creative force, and encouraging others to use and develop their own. It's the same principle as exercise making your bodies stronger; feeding your imagination and working it makes you more creative.

No matter what subject I'm teaching, each week I try to come up with different relationships among the materials and concepts to get through to the students. Last year I was particularly pleased with getting my 13-year old students to not only memorize poetry, but to recite it and play with it. They did so with joy. Poetry is fuel for the imagination.

Last week I had my students, this time they're around 20 years old, come up with a list of 10 ways people use creativity in "normal" jobs. They worked in small groups and came up with good examples: setting up displays in retail, using recycled materials to make art, marketing campaigns, and making restaurant menus. However, one group of three young men made a list that stood out from the others and I am presenting it here. Remember, that in developing creative ideas, brainstorming, it's important to write down ideas first, decide whether they're good later.

Students John Barker, E .J. Yancey, and Dekota Marshall, from ECU's COMM 2210-02 came up with these ideas:

1. Turf managers figure out how to grow grass on different types of soil.

2. Use a hot water heater to make a grill.

3. Use vegetable oil to power a car.

4. Hook up PVC pipe to a truck with a water tank to make a sprinkler.

5. Use a mule to take out the trash, instead of walking.

6. Recycle copper to make other parts.

7. Use chewing tobacco instead of medicine to cure a bee sting.

8. Football coach makes players pull and carry huge tires instead of weights.

9. Use a chain and a log in place of a sled.

10. Cut up old t-shirts to use as rags in a garage.

In your next meeting, you might want to come up with a list of ways employees show creativity at work. Starting with small innovations in place may help you think of other ways to do things that may be much better. In any case, any activity that gets people to THINK is good in my book. Have a creative day!

Succeed through Focus

I did something with my speech students last semester that I know many found helpful. I thought it was an original idea, but I've seen it recommended in two other places this week. One was Christine Kane's blog and I don't remember the other. The fundamental concept is to get what you want, you need to focus.

Now, before I continue, it must be clear that before you can focus, you need to know what your goals are, what is it you want to accomplish today, this week, this year, this decade. You don't need to know every single thing you want to do in this life - and your objectives can and will change, but you can't focus if you have no clue what you want, or what you don't want. So, I am assuming that you have written down somewhere, some things you want to do. Some examples could be getting a new job, finding a new friend/client, making more money, starting a new charity, giving a party, writing a paper, getting a certain grade, meeting a certain person, and so forth.

Many of you can relate to this situation - I know what I want to do, I get busy with one of my numerous projects, and then the distractions appear. I decide to check email, just one more time. I go check to see if there's milk for breakfast tomorrow, someone calls, I remember something else I was supposed to do, and then it's time to be somewhere. This is a perfectly normal life, but it is certainly possible to get more productive through a renewed focus.

Think about this. I learned at a presentation for parents of young violin students that a violinist has to manage about 57 different aspects of playing at the same time: posture, bow hold, intonation, bowing, reading the music, pressure of the bow, placement of the fingers, pressure of the fingers, and so on. So, how does a teacher help the young student improve, without totally demolishing his motivation by pointing out the dozens of defects. The answer is by focusing on one thing at a time.

After hearing my students' first speeches, I saw and hear many mistakes of different kinds: organization, lack of enthusiasm, poor visual aids, unclear pronunciation, boring details, lack of credible sources, insufficient clarity, unprofessional dress, and so forth. While I had to point out several of these in order to give them grades, afterwards I wrote on an index card one single word. But it was a different word for each student: organize, visualize, enthusiasm, structure, credibility. And by the second speech, the students not only improved on the quality I had written on their cards, there were substantial improvements in many other areas. But focusing on one single aspect gives us something concrete we can work on, without feeling overwhelmed.

Multitasking is a trap. While one can do laundry while cooking dinner, the mind can only concentrate on one thing at a time. What is the single thing that can help you get more done in the day? Is it to organize your papers? Be more brief on the telephone? Bring your lunch to work?Exercise? Invest?

This involves some thinking; that's good for you. What is the one thing you can focus on that will have a multiplier effect on several areas of your life? Write it down on an index card - make it attractive. You may want to make several of these and post them in different places. In a month, you can evaluate whether to keep working with this word, or change to another.

Create!